11 Days Till Christmas!!

Although remodeling our house has been a huge source of stress and frustration, I am already so grateful to The Lord for placing us in the ward He did. This place is freaking amazing!! Our neighbors (who are probably in their 80’s) invited us and a couple other neighbors/families over for pizza the other night just to get to know us better and have fun. And it was such a great night! The friendships and bonds we have already formed with such great people... I can’t even tell you how much that means to me. Our bishop is an incredible man as well. I’m just feeling so very lucky to live where we live. 

We had our ward Christmas breakfast the other day and Brynlie wanted to go up and sing with the primary kids. Since she will be a sunbeam soon, (what?!) I figured, what the heck. She didn’t sing of course, but she spent a good chunk of the songs with her middle  finger up her nose, flipping the bird to everyone. I tried to hurry and get a picture but of course she stopped as soon as I zoomed in. 

So, 11 days till Christmas. I finally got all the Christmas shopping done. Our last gift arrived on our porch this afternoon. 

Except for wrapping, the worst part is over with! But I am so excited to see the girls faces on Christmas morning!!! Eek!!! Playing Santa is the freaking best!! We were able to get everything they requested and spent every dollar of our Christmas savings. It’s gunna be a good one. 

Weekend vibes. 

Cory doesn’t really like that I do this, because he doesn’t want the kids thinking they can take over our bed. But some of my most favorite memories from my childhood are cuddling with my mom in her bed. I want my kids to love it as much as I do. Plus it means I get to stay in bed a few extra minutes in the mornings. And they know it’s only a weekend morning thing. For now. 

When the husband asks why I vacuum every day. 

I hate Utah winters. Well, mostly the inversion. I guess I don’t mind it if I can see the sun and the air isn’t hazardous to breathe. We got so bored yesterday we took a drive up the mountain to find the sun again and get above the inversion. It’s so gross!! 

And we have no storms in sight strong enough to break this up anytime soon. Boo!!! 

Yesterday we made cookies. I always envision this hallmark moment making cookies with my kids - them on the counter, helping me measure ingredients and listening intently while I teach them to cook and we bond even deeper over sugary, baked goods - but it never happens that way. Everything always gets spilled, the eggs always get broken cause they won’t stop touching them, someone’s fingers almost get cut off by the Kitchenaid and by the end I’m cussing  and screaming like Gordon Ramsey. 

But, dammit, we did it. We made cookies. And someone made a snow woman in the dough when I wasn’t looking. The gender is made obvious by the boobs. 

And even after all the chaos, the cookies tasted delicious. So it was worth it. 

During all the Christmas shopping, there were several times I almost bought some new dolls and accessories, but always talked myself out of it thinking they never, literally NEVER, play with the dolls they already have. So what did they do completely randomly today? 

Well, one did. The other insisted on being the doll. 

She watched the whole Smurf movie like that. Until I went out on the couch and just got Logan to sleep in my arms; then she tipped it over somehow and slammed her head into the corner of the wall... 

Oh poor Logan, your sisters never let you rest. 

Little Man started throwing up last night. It lasted about an hour and I couldn’t stop crying cause it was so sad!! I’ve never had a baby this little with a stomach bug before. It broke my heart. 

He didn’t eat much today and you can tell he still doesn’t feel well, but at least he kept down what he did eat. Hopefully tomorrow he’ll be feeling much better. I feel so bad for the little guy. And I am really freaked out that he’s not even 4 months old yet and he’s already caught a cold and a tummy bug. I hope this isn’t an indication of our winter. I’m pretty sure life is trying to drive me to insanity. 

Well, I’m off to bed. I have a deep, fond respect for my bed and I’d hate to waste anymore precious time with it. See you soon! 


Future Model

I don’t do Snapchat, and very rarely do I post anything on Instagram stories. But out of pure boredom Logan and I played with the story filters the other night. He’s destined for GQ. Or the puppy store. 

Gosh I love this little boy! Isn’t it so weird how babies can be so hard and draining and yet have us wrapped around their finger? They’re fickle like that. 

I can tell my depression is getting better because my desire for the gym is back again. I’m learning to take it a day at a time though. I’ve never had a baby this little during cold and flu season and I’m worried about him catching stuff at the daycare. So my gym time might be hit or miss and I might have to start subbing some days for the treadmill at home. Which won’t be awful considering I haven’t done any running and have been wanting to. We’ll see how it goes. Wednesday was super fun because I got to do the suburban pull/push again. It’s so challenging and so fun! We can choose to pull this suburban (which is loaded down with weight) all the way down the gym and then push it all the way back. I don’t have any pics of myself doing it so you get my friend, Michelle. She rocked it. And she’s way better looking. 

Pushing it makes your legs absolute jello when you’re done. 

Yesterday we took turns taking the girls to the store to pick out a present for each other. The first thing Brynlie spotted was a tiny shopping cart (I assume goes with dolls?) and begged me to get it for her. I told her no and to look for something Kennedy would want. And she did a great job, eventually. 

A couple hours later I was back with Kennedy and in the first 5 seconds she saw the shopping cart and said, “That! Brynlie wants that!” I told her to look for other things, and we browsed the whole toy section, but Kennedy didn’t want to get anything else. She knew the cart was perfect for Brynlie. Those two just get each other. It was so amazing to see. 

I literally cannot believe how much he’s grown in just 3.5 months. He was my tiny little newborn just yesterday, I swear! 

Winter is a funny thing. I freaking love Christmas time, but then it’s followed by the WORST time of the year. Cold, inversion, illness, and seasonal affective disorder. But for now, I’ll enjoy this happy holiday season and pretending everything is perfect. 

That’s my please-don’t-let-me-get-sick tea. That’s the last thing I need right now. 

Tomorrow Cory and I get to finish our Christmas shopping. Alone. Without kids. I’m more excited than I should be. 

See you, soon. 


Back To Normal Life

Hey guys! So I’m feeling much better today. A week ago I would say I was at a zero, and since starting my new stuff I’m slowly working my way back up to a 10. Today I feel at about a 6 or a 7, so that’s pretty amazing. Thank you, modern medicine! 

To get real deep and disturbing, I’ve had one time in my life (before I met Cory) where I was suicidal. I didn’t have any thoughts of harming myself or my kids this time, but I can tell you that if I had to live like that without any help... I can see why anyone with depression or intense anxiety might look for a way out. Please, please, PLEASE don’t be ashamed to ask for help!!!

Ok, enough about that. I don’t want to dwell on unhappy things. 

So our Thanksgiving was pretty great. We had dinner with my side of the family on Wednesday and dinner with Cory’s side on Thursday. It was great to spend time with family and eat a crap-ton of delicious food. 

Kennedy got to play dress up with Hillary’s old prom dresses. Brynlie tried, too, but she’s a little too small. 

And did I mention I ran a 5k on Thanksgiving? I didn’t? Maybe that’s because it was kinda sad...

I have done zero running. I just don’t have the time with a baby as young as Logan. I know that won’t be the case forever and I don’t want to run my body down trying to do everything all at once. So I’m just waiting until I have the time and feel ready. I was able to run the whole race which surprised me, but it was painfully slow. I use the term “run” loosely. I more or less shuffled. But hey, I did it and it was just for fun anyway. And the race swag was kind of amazing for a small Thanksgiving Day race. 

I was super excited to decorate for Christmas this year. Maybe because we missed out last year? It was a little crazy hanging 5 stockings on the mantle. 

We’ve also taken a few short drives around the neighborhood to check out everyone’s Christmas lights. But I think this “Tree of Life” at the cemetery has been the favorite. 

How am I not bald?? I hate, hate, HATE the post-baby hair loss. I never wear my hair down anymore cause I shed worse than a Labrador. 

I mentioned before that I was really jealous of the girls cowgirl boots. I decided that’s what I wanted for my birthday. They’re expensive (but affordable at Reams), so I saved the money I got from family and finally made the trip to at least go try some on. I was convinced they were going to be uncomfortable and that I would end up not wanting to get any. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong!! I had a tough time picking out a pair because they were all so cute and comfy. I finally settled on these and I haven’t worn anything else since I bought them. I AM OBSESSED!!! 

They’re the most comfortable boots I have ever owned. They go with everything and they should last me a very, very long time. I love them so much. I want a million pairs now. Think I could run races in these? Haha

Now I get to look as cute as my little ladies. Hahaha ok, they look way cuter than I do. But I still love them. 

Brynlie loves my boots, too. 

Cory woke up to this the other morning. He said he counted 6 total. I wonder if they came looking for apples? Sorry we got rid of them all, guys! 

Whoever says you can’t buy happiness has never found one of these in a Chex Mix bag. 

It feels so good to be enjoying this again! 

Well I’m going to go try and enjoy watching kids movies until it’s time to start dinner. Have a good one! 


Postpartum Mental Illness

Well, that was intense... 

I’ve had postpartum depression after each baby and it’s progressively gotten worse. This time, though, I was blessed with the “gift” of postpartum anxiety; a horrible little treat that made me feel like I had no control over anything and never would, my stomach was CONSTANTLY twisting and making me sick over not-important or made-up problems, and I would panic about things I knew weren’t a big deal. Words can’t express how terrifying and debilitating those feelings are. It’s truly hell. 

Luckily my new medication seems to be helping a lot. It can take weeks for the full affect of the medication to set in so already having improvement is a good sign. I still have moments of anxiety but it’s once or twice a day instead of all day every day. If I’m not 100% better in a couple weeks I plan on seeing a mental health specialist and talking about other options. But at least I’m not in the awful dark hole all the time anymore. 

I want other women to know that this happens to many of us and it’s ok to talk about it. I feel like the title “mental illness” it’s kinda scary, but it truly is an illness that most of us can’t help; just like we can’t help catching the flu sometimes. It’s a horrible feeling to not feel like yourself and know there’s nothing you can do about it on your own. 

The thoughts I had this past little while were so scary. I was literally afraid of Logan because every time he would cry or fuss, it would make my pulse quicken, my heart race, and my stomach twist into knots. I was convinced her was never going to be happy again. He had a small spell of sleeping terribly (and the sleep deprivation did NOT help) and I had a full blown panic attack reading the internet to find out why he might be waking up. I stressed so hard about his schedule, whether he was napping enough, if he was warm enough/cool enough, if he was eating enough, etc. I almost quit my job because he is hating the car seat lately and since I work from my car that was sending me into a frenzy. I sat and practically begged Heavenly Father to speed up time and make him bigger so he would be easier. Then I felt terrible that I’m not at all enjoying my last baby. 

I was terrified for Christmas because I was so unhappy, I didn’t even want to have it. We would see Christmas lights and peoples beautiful trees through their windows and I would choke back tears that everyone else was going to have a wonderful Christmas and I was going to spend ours in Physical and mental pain. Actual pain. I would get on social media and lose it over the fact that everyone else was happy and enjoying life and I was sitting at home crying, afraid to leave the house because I didn’t know what would happen or how I would handle it. I was a prisoner to my own thoughts and feelings. I stopped going to the gym because I felt terrible. I tried to go one day and broke down on my poor friend and then left after 5 minutes because I couldn’t get out of my own head. 

Anything baby-related caused major anxiety. Brynlie is obsessed with the movie Boss Baby and every time we watched it, I would get anxiety and terrible thoughts about being a mother. I felt deep sympathy for anyone who was pregnant instead of happy for their addition. I felt like my kids were the worst thing to ever happen to me while at the same time loving them so much I couldn’t stand it. If you’ve felt like that before, you know how horrible it is. 

I felt like this was going to be our lives forever; miserable and stressing about everything. I quietly resented Cory for having to work and leaving me alone with the kids even though I know that’s a ridiculous thing to be mad about. I felt scared, hopeless, and alone. 

Again, I tell you these things so that anyone out there who might be reading this and feeling the same way will know they’re not alone. This happens. It’s not healthy, but it happens and is treatable. 

I don’t know why this has happened or why I’ve been asked to endure this trial of postpartum depression and anxiety. I don’t know why it happened so suddenly again and so badly. It’s been worse than when I ride the hormone roller coaster after I have a baby. But, I have uttered many, many prayers for strength and help. I’ve received a blessing from my Dad that I will make it through this. I know the Savior has felt every moment I have felt and that He suffered this trial for me during the atonement. I know depression is very treatable and that although it might take some time to find the right medication/dose that works for me, eventually I can get back to feeling like myself again. I know my children are the best thing to ever happen to me even if raising them is super hard. I also know I couldn’t survive this without Cory or my sweet girls who take such good care of me (at least when the girls are in the mood). I have a strong family and friends support system. This too shall pass. 

See you soon.