I tried to spend 5 minutes alone taking a shower and shaving my legs, and the whole time Brynlie stood at the shower door and sobbed, and seconds before I shut off the water Kennedy came in screaming like someone had tried to murder her. Turns out her reason was legit, she got her hand stuck in one of her toys and it pinched her pretty good.
I felt like I could literally feel my blood boiling over as the morning went on and I had that angry pit in my stomach. I knew we needed the spirit in our home stat, so I turned on some hymns to listen to and we gathered for scripture study and family prayer before we went to church. It helped, and we went to church feeling a little better.
Church wasn't much better though. Our sacrament meeting was accompanied by two little redheads making dinosaur sounds as loud as they could. I would threaten their life as quietly as I could, they would stop, and just when I thought they had moved on to something else a new raptor shriek would ring out. I don't remember there being dinosaurs in the sacrament prayer, but today there was.
Kennedy was assigned the scripture in primary opening exercises - ironically on reverence - but she did it! Last time she froze solid and refused to go back and sit with her class. This time was totally different. I was super proud of her, even if I was still a little angry from what happened in the first hour.
After two good lessons in Sunday school and relief society, I felt much better by the time we all went home and the urge to kill slowly dwindled. I have the hardest time controlling my emotions when my "lady time" approaches. I know that's TMI, but I doubt hardly any guys read this and if they do, they need to be educated. I hate the feeling of not being in control and that only escalates my anger. It's so tough on me and my family. I feel like a monster.
We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out while I guarded the Halloween candy. Those kids would eat the whole bowl in one sitting if I didn't cut them off.
I have been thinking a lot today about parenting and service. I feel like I never have the opportunity to serve but then I remember that all the hard work I put in raising my kids counts as service to God as well. While I still feel like I do a completely inadequate job at parenting - and I do, because who sticks their tongue out at their 5 year old?? - at least I know at the end of the day that all the hard days are worth it and I am doing the best I know how; minus having to repent each night for the "farmer words" that escape my mouth. I'm working on it. I really am.
I am really looking forward to a new week and more second chances to be better than I was the day before. What a great gift Jesus Christ gave us to be able to repent and try again tomorrow. I can't imagine how hopeless life would feel without the atonement. So, here's to a new week! See you, soon!