8.23.2016

Struggling

I need to get real here for a moment, before I switch to the random weirdness you've all come to expect from my blog. And I mean real. Like, whiny brat, total meltdown real. So hang on. 


The truth is, I am having a REALLY hard time with this PCOS crap. I literally just can't seem to understand how quickly everything hit me. I look at pictures from 3 months ago and I am dumbfounded at how different my body is. I am really struggling with cutting out dairy (which my doctor did say is a good idea). I'm frustrated that of the 5 pounds I lost, 3 came back. It's been a month and I've lost 2 measly pounds. And it's been HARD to lose that. Is this my life now? Everything being such a huge struggle? Maybe I just need to be more patient and let the medicine level me out a bit more -- she did say it would take a few months. I have just been depressed at how quickly I lost it all when it took years to get to where I was. Running a marathon was doable. It was almost "comfortable", meaning it didn't scare the freaking snot out of me anymore. I enjoyed it! And now... 


I didn't realize how much of my identity and self-confidence was tied up in reaching my physical goals. I don't know if that's unhealthy or not, because it is what I love and what most of my life is about, outside of my kids and family. Having that all taken away crushed me. Yes, I still work out. I still run on occasion. I can still do those things and I won't stop. But doing them with 25 extra pounds is tough. Running hurts in places it never used to. I can't do pull ups anymore. I worked SO HARD to get those!! And while I get this all sound so stupidly superficial, it really is what I love to do. I feel like I've lost a part of me, and it sucks! And the battle to get it back seems impossible to win. 


I'm also completely and totally overwhelmed with our house and my life in general. I don't know how much longer I can handle the stress, the money, the time, the time away from Cory... And I feel like if I get asked "How's the house coming? When do you think you'll move in?" one more time... I might have a nervous breakdown. I get why people ask, and I'd rather they care than not, it's just a reminder that we are basically nowhere closer than we were two months ago; at least that's what it feels like. I'm starting to resent the house and whenever I think about all we have to do still, I start to get a panic attack, like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I just... can't... deal with it anymore... ya know what I mean? I feel like I'm going to just snap any day now... 


I've been struggling with life lately. Hard. That's why my blog has sucked. That's why I haven't talked to people much lately. I'm just overwhelmed and upset and ready to throw in the towel and give up. I don't know how much longer I can handle this crap. Thanks for letting me vent and be candid for a moment. 


So... I'm back on Snapchat again... I deleted it a long time ago and now more than 3 people I know use it, so I decided to give it a go again. It has helped me take more pictures. Even if they are ones like this. 
This adorable sweetheart starts school tomorrow!! Cory gave her a blessing before bed and it helped calm my nerves a bit for the worries I've had for her. I love her so much and I just want what's best for her. 
In the master bedroom of our old house, we had a ceiling fan that had a remote control. It was the greatest thing ever because I could turn on and off the light without getting out of bed (says the girl who just loves being active haha). I was picking up light bulbs at Costco and saw they had these!! They're the same brand as the ones we had at our house and guess what? It comes with a remote!! *epic music* and the price was pretty great, too. I called Cory because they're a temporary item and we decided to pick one up for our future master bedroom. 
The girls were pretending they were camping the other day. I love watching them pretend and get along. 
Brynlie loves the filters on Snapchat. 
This popped up on my Instagram and I almost died from the cuteness. Twins would be terrible but also sooooo cute. 
Kennedy from 3 years ago. 
Now Brynlie is wearing those clothes. Crazy!! 


I also had an embarrassing moment this morning...
That's right in the crotch, ladies and gents. Yup. 


Well, I'd better go for the night. I have some much needed time to spend on my knees. See you, soon! 






2 comments:

Amy said...

Life sure knows how to pile it on huh? Hang in there, I hope things get better soon. I love how the fan brand is Hunter. 😊

Megan and Cory said...

For real, right? It's so hard! And yes, the Hunter brand is a happy coincidence. It's like we get to brand our house! Haha