Discouragement and Fireworks

I started the day bright and early yesterday with a group run down Big Cottonwood canyon. 
I was hoping if I was feeling super awesome that I could do 14 miles down the canyon and then 3 of the out and back portion of the marathon for 17 total miles. 

Things started out ok
The crisp mountain air was a welcome experience after how hot it has been. I tried to hold back a bit so I wouldn't aggravate any injures. Just before the S curve though, I started gaining some speed and came down on my right leg and was instantly met with a stabbing pain from my hip all the way to my toes. I felt it the most in my knee and it made my knee buckle and I almost fell flat on my face. I hobbled for a few more yards and then stopped to walk. I was pretty sure it was my IT band and I took a small break to stretch it out and walk off the pain. It finally went away, or at least got numb, and I was able to pick back up again but by then my spirits were gone. I've been so upset about my lack of energy, weight gain, and injuries that my motivation for running has dropped significantly. After I reached the mouth of the canyon I choked back tears and cut my run short of the out and back and went home feeling like a quitter. 

I'm not sure what else I can do. I have 16 more days before I can see my doctor and I'm gaining so rapidly, regardless of what I do, I'm not even sure I'll be able to run by then. I feel like I've lost complete control of everything. Wasn't it just yesterday I was having the run of my life at the Ogden Marathon? How and most importantly, WHY are things falling apart so rapidly? It's a very scary feeling and I've spent so much time in prayer trying to understand how to cope with this but I'm having such a hard time. It's difficult to suppress my anxiety and feel calm that things will be ok. Deep down I do have faith it will be. But with each passing day that I have to put aside another article of clothing that won't fit, tell Kennedy I can't play outside because I'm too tired, or each night I spend in tears fighting my moods and depression it gets harder and harder. 

I came home from the run and decided to try the last 3 miles on the treadmill. 
I made it .2 before my knee hurt again and I instantly jumped off. So frustrating!! 

I showered and the girls and I watched a movie. Well, Kennedy and I did; Brynlie practiced her acrobatic skills. 
That evening we headed out to see some fireworks!! Kennedy was soooooo excited!! 
We spent hours playing around on the grass
I taught the girls how to roll down the hill. I haven't laughed that hard while watching them in a long time! 
It's a shame they didn't have any fun 

B also got some horsie rides 
It was some much needed time with my babes. 

Finally the sun started to go down 
And the fireworks began 
The fun kind of stopped after this picture though. The wind picked up and blew all the smoke and ash on us and it got in our eyes. There was much crying from the little ones. But the little we did see was awesome. 

I'm looking forward to a new week. I'm going to try my best to be positive and actually have a smile on my face.

See you soon! 

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