The truth is for the last little while I've been dealing with quite a few symptoms that are driving me crazy because I can't seem to fix them. The frustration of it all has been really getting me down. Regardless of what I do, my body keeps gaining weight. It's not muscle weight, I can promise you that. Any and all efforts to lose weight have failed me and instead I just keep gaining (I could write a book on this topic alone). My stomach gets super bloated the second I eat anything each day and by nighttime I look 6 months pregnant. I've mentioned before that I've had bad acne sprouting out of nowhere. They're not deep, cystic zits (at least not yet), but they're everywhere on my face. I haven't broken out like this since high school. I've been really tired as well. Each afternoon I crash pretty dang hard -- hard enough I usually end up falling asleep without meaning to. My mood swings have been out of control and despite starting antidepressants a while ago, I still have my moments of intense anxiety and depression. Those are usually the nights I don't blog. Every night during the night I sweat so bad I'm literally soaking wet. My hair keeps falling out at an alarming rate. I'm forgetting things really easily which is unusual for me. My libido is gone. Like, gone, gone. And lastly, I feel like mentally I can't focus on things; I get really easily distracted and almost like my head is in a fog.
I have plans to see a doctor about all of this next week. It's clear to me something isn't right and the first step is to explore internal issues. I am terrified she will come back and say everything is normal, because that's what has happened to me in the past. But this time I'm seeing a specialist, and a girl. It sounds weird to hope something is wrong with me, but I just want an explanation and a plan of attack to fix these things so I can get back to feeling like me again. I can't explain how frustrating it is to have your body just not want to work.
I know some of the depression, anxiety and stress are linked to our house. This project is definitely taking a toll on us. Our relationships are strained because Cory is always gone and always tired and stressed out. I'm the same way being a single parent 90% of my life. Financially it's been a huge burden. It always feels like we have a monkey on our back; like we can't plan anything fun or do anything else because we have the house to work on. I hate it.
If things end up coming back normal at the doctor, I'll have to look into different ways to manage stress. I can't eliminate our home, so I have to find a way to deal with it. Overall I don't "feel" super stressed out, but I know at times I am.
My next step will also be to start eliminating things from my diet, starting with gluten. Apparently gluten is the devil. I know I'm not allergic to it, but I've had a few friends develop sensitivities to it as they've gotten older, and I'll experiment if I am one of those.
My gut hunch is that this is a hormonal problem and I want it gone! I guess we will see what the doctor says next week. I've been wanting to talk about this for a while now because I always want to be real on my blog and let anyone else who's dealing with the same issues know that they aren't alone. Life is messy. Life sucks sometimes. Things don't always go as planned. And I know saying that doesn't make accepting it any easier. In a world of social media perfection, where all we see are the success stories and the best of everyone else's lives, I want to be a blog that talks about ups and downs. I want to talk about real life because we all deal with it. Right now my real life is my body is unhappy which has been making me unhappy.
If anyone has any suggestions about what might be going on, I would love to hear them.
Ok, so now you know that part of my life. Shall we move on to other things? Mkay.
After talking with a few other racers yesterday, they all think our "official" times on the website are the gun times, not the chip times, which would explain why they think it took me longer to finish than what my watch said. And I forgot to stop my watch for a few seconds when I was done so it was actually even faster than 1:50:11. I almost broke 1:50. I guess I have a new goal to shoot for.
Thursday and Friday we went out and had a lot of fun but by the evenings I was tired and cranky and never blogged so let me catch you up.
Thursday we went swimming with Hillary at her pool. But first we had to run an errand at Grandma's. Brynlie made herself right at home.
That's about it as far as life goes. Today is Sunday so I'm taking things easy, spending time with my family, and recovering from yesterday's amazing race. I'm looking forward to a great week! See you soon!