Wednesday Wamblings

Can I be real with you for a bit? I've had a really hard couple of days emotionally. I really wish I knew what the trigger was that makes this happen, but it's been another "dark" time. Last night I felt so overwhelmed with everything in my life that I sat in the dark basement and cried, trying to breathe. I know I have a lot going on, but I compartmentalise it all so it doesn't seem like much on its own. But together, I think I'm more stressed out than I realize. 

First, not a day goes by that I don't feel like I'm completely failing as a mom. I feel like whatever I do is never enough. I'm horrible at teaching my children gospel related things and I feel like I'm setting them up for failure. I yell, a lot. I lose my patience, a lot. I let my girls eat gold fish crackers for breakfast and chocolate milk right before bed. We watch way too much tv... The list goes on and on. I just can't seem to get it right. 

Second, we are currently paying a mortgage on a home that's torn apart (and sucking every last dime from our pockets) that we don't even live in and consumes our every free moment. We know it'll be worth it when it's done but right now it's killing us. And it's not even close to being done. I don't know why it's so taboo to admit you can't afford something, but we definitely are struggling to afford this renovation. We aren't made of money! Redoing an entire house is EXPENSIVE!! We felt the spirit telling us this was the house for us, so we are moving forward with blind faith that the funds will continue to keep coming somehow so we can live in it before the world ends. Not to mention this project has stolen my husband. I am a single mom pretty much every single day but Sunday's. It's stressful, you guys. The house is a sore subject right now. 

Next, I'm angry with my body. I know, I just ran a marathon and I'm truly grateful for a body capable of that. I'm healthy and that's a blessing. I know I'm not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm still 20 lbs heavier than I was before I had Brynlie and that number just keeps slowly increasing regardless of what I try. This time last year I was 10 lbs lighter. I now eat cleaner and I've gained 10 lbs! How does that happen?! I try to stay positive and love myself no matter what, but with the constant bombardment of social media and society, at the end of the day I'm always feeling worthless because I'm not perfect. Admit it, we all are! It is so dang hard to stay positive in a world like this!!! 

I'm so sick of people flaunting their money. Since when is that the first and only commandment to making you a cool person? Again, social media is to blame for escalating this. Look at my trips! Look at my car! Look what my husband/wife bought me! Look at our new house! Look at my new clothes! Money, money, MONEY!! I can't stand it!! 

I could go on and on about the stressors I have in my life but I won't. The point is, it's been a little rough. I know so many people have it so much worse, and I try not to complain and I work on being positive, but sometimes that just ain't happening. Like right now. We live in such a hard time of life. I know I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed and like I just can't keep up with myself or anyone else. How do you combat feeling like a total failure? Maybe it's the fact that I haven't worked out for several days that is making me so grumpy; I don't have my usual outlet. But it's been a slump and one I'm struggling to pull myself out of. 

I think in times like these it's important to focus on what I do have and what I'm doing right to help me feel better. I know Satan is to blame for pressuring me to focus on the negative and I need to continue to try and see the good. Count your many blessings. I think I'll make that my goal tonight; make a list of my blessings. I'm sure if I read it every day I could find something to add to it frequently. That will be my remedy for this slump. 

I'm sorry this post is so depressing and all over the place, I just want to keep my blog real and raw. I don't ever want to paint the picture that our lives are perfect and amazing. I want you to know I'm human, even if that means I vent to you once in a while. Thanks for hearing me out. 

See you soon. 

1 comment:

Amy said...

Life is brutal. Hang in there girlie!