When I was pregnant with Kennedy my body yearned to run. I would start crying at the sight of someone running on the side of the street and I could not wait to get back into the sport.
Pregnancy with Brynlie was a different story. I've already mentioned about 1,000 times that the pregnancy was awful and that I'm still struggling with pelvic pain after doing certain activities. Running has been one of those activities, and as a result, I hadn't had the desire to run much.
That is, until about a month ago...
All of the sudden the running desire is burning strong within me once again. But I've been scared of what my body is actually capable of.
I've been really learning to push past my comfort zone in the gym. It's paid off. I'm developing strength and stamina and I know it's helping the ligament problem. Slowly. The other week we were doing renegade rows (the kind with the opposite leg lift, which really requires core stabilization). Those have always been agony for me and really kill my pelvis. I've always tried to do them anyway, so I got down and started doing them and after a few reps, realized it didn't hurt. I had finally gotten strong enough that my ligaments weren't bothered!! I instantly started crying and could not stop. I was so happy to finally win one.
Anyway, the strength work I've been doing at the gym has been helping. But, I can feel my hips are either still out of alignment or so poorly imbalanced, with my right side being much, much weaker. As a result, running has been a little odd. I feel discombobulated and pumping my legs actually takes some concentration. It's hard to explain. Not to mention, I am painfully slow. But we all have to start somewhere, right?
The last couple weeks I've tried to go on some solo runs and start building my running endurance again. In a month, I've gone from only being able to run a mile and a half without having to stop (and being dead after) to running 4 hilly miles without stopping. To me, that's a big improvement. I feel mentally stronger more than anything, and I feel like I know where my limits are and how to push towards them and not past them. It has really helped my confidence in what my body is capable of because, lets be honest, I was having a very hard time with the limitations all this crap has caused. It's also been a little weird to rejoice over running 4 miles when I used to be able to go so much farther.
But I'm learning to let go of what I "used" to be. It doesn't matter what I used to look like. It doesn't matter what I used to lift, what I used to run, what I used to wear. All that matters is now and how badly I want to change what's happening now.
I know strength and progress take time. I'm learning to be lenient and very patient with myself as I try to take my body back. I've set some exciting and ambitious goals for 2015. I want this next year to be MY year. I want to overcome every obstacle I faced this last year. I want to work through all my emotional issues I've been battling and just crush all my fears and doubts. I want to prove to myself that it doesn't matter what my body has been through, I can regain its strength and power.
I hope this doesn't sound cocky or preachy in any way. I am certainly just at the beginning still. I'm still overweight (but losing weight), I'm still struggling with certain limitations, and I'm still a slow, turtle runner. But I know that can and will all be changed. I know I can overcome this all. My body may not be super strong yet, but I feel strong because of my new mind set and drive to take back what is mine. I will have a normal, strong body again. Whatever it takes.
This sacrifice for Brynlie has been the hardest. I feel like I lost a part of me but that I'm on the path to retrieve it. In short, I'm starting to feel like me again.