5.08.2014

Overwhelmed

I have been incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude these last few days. Due to my recent inability to control my tears, I haven't expressed it much for fear of flooding our house. But that's a chance I'll have to take right now as I blubber like a baby while sharing it all with you.

I'm so grateful for Cory. Holy crap, I do not deserve that man. For 8 solid months he has done nothing but listen to me complain, watch me cry, silently put up with my crabby moods, willingly eaten the horrible dinners I've made, and has suffered in silence each night as I've taken over our bed with body pillows (and my large body) just so I can try and sleep comfortably. He's been there at night when I've woken up in so much pain I'm crying out, he's helped me keep the house clean, has bathed Kennedy for me, comes home from 14 hours away in pure exhaustion and helps put her to bed after making sure they get quality play time together first. He has been the most patient person alive. I don't know how he's doing it.

On top of all that he's been working his butt off for us. Things are still unstable at work so he's been busting his butt, working hard and saving as much as we can for baby bills and any unforeseeable problems that might arise in our future. He has missed out on a lot, just to provide for us. I often feel guilty that he's gone so much while I'm always home, but we know it's a huge blessing for Kennedy and our new arrival for me to be present in raising them. I am eternally grateful for the chance to be home with our kids and not miss a thing in their lives. I feel enriched each day in the joy of motherhood. It would not be possible without Cory working so hard. He does like his job, so that is a huge bonus, but we miss him all the time and are so grateful for all he does for us. I love that man with every fiber of my soul and the bond he and Kennedy have is unbreakable. He was worth the wait and I thank Heavenly Father for him every day.

I also don't have words for how grateful I have been to my parents for allowing us to live with them. You might think it's been rough, but it's been a huge benefit to us both and part of me is actually kind of sad to be moving home soon. My mom has always been my best friend so I've been lucky enough to have the 3 people I'm closest to under one roof. Without their willingness to help us and allow us to invade their house, we would not be in the position we are now. I literally cannot find the words for how thankful I am for that. I feel entirely unworthy of all the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon us these last few months. More on that later.

They haven't only been a huge help financially but have helped enrich Kennedy's life ten fold. I haven't been able to be the best mother lately. We stay home a lot to due my inability to get out much without suffering for it and she has been very bored. But having my parents come home from work is the highlight of her day. She knows she gets quality time with grandma and gets to boss my dad's dog around and play with him. Her speech has skyrocketed since we moved here because she's had more interactions with people other than just Cory and I all day. She has been fiercely loved and I'm really going to miss that for her. She is going to miss it too. I am literally wracked with sobs right now as I type this because I've felt sickeningly guilty that Kennedy has had to suffer from this pregnancy, too, and I would hate to think where she would be right now without the help of my mom. Kennedy is such a special spirit and I know my parents are going to miss her. Most of her, anyway. Maybe not the tantrums and dirty finger prints everywhere ;) .

Since I'm already crying I'll keep this next one short because I know I can't get through it without Kennedy wondering what's wrong with me, but I am beyond thankful for the opportunity and blessing to be a mother. The love I have for Kennedy and will soon have for little girl #2 consumes me and I can't imagine life without this feeling. I have never been happier and life just keeps getting better.

Life has been hard these past 6-8 months and I have been nothing but a black hole of complaints and misery. I'm aware of it and have tried to be more conscious of how often I gripe about things, but I know I've been annoying. For that reason, I am grateful for the friends who have stuck around anyway and have been there when I've needed them. One friend in particular has gone above and beyond. I complain to her daily with text message after text message and regardless of what she's dealing with in her life, she always finds a way to listen, respond, and talk me through it. I never feel ignored or uncared for. She's been a true friend, truly selfless, and I might have exploded by now without her. I'm so thankful for her and her love for me. Now she's pregnant and I've told her it's her turn to complain to me. Time to return the favor ha ha.

I'm so thankful for the Lord and his plan for me and my family. I have a blog post in progress dealing more in depth on this subject but I have been so humbled and thankful, to the point of struggling to stand, as I've looked back on our lives the last year or so and have seen how perfectly everything has fallen into place and how each tiny little blessing has made a massive impact. It's incredible. Truly incredible.

Life has been a whirlwind of craziness and happiness and I'm so happy I'm able to see the blessings that have changed our lives with each step we've taken as a family. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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