Getting Closer

My doctor appointment went as well as I could have hoped today and yet I still cried during and after it. I mean the tears just kept coming. I hate not being in control of my emotions.

So anyway, after embarrassing the crap out of myself and talking with my doctor, here's the scoop:

He told me I didn't need to be suffering through the pain and that Lortab is ok to take when I'm really suffering with the pain as long as I'm not popping it all the time. Sing praises! Best prescription ever. I plan on taking it on nights I hurt badly and days I know I have a lot to get done like cleaning or grocery shopping. Or any other time I'm brought to tears. I foresee those instances increasing as the weeks progress though.

He said a standard vaginal delivery is possible. So if it's a smooth delivery then I won't be needing a c-section. Another bit of good news.

And the best part of all, he said he'll start checking me at 36 weeks and if I'm dilating and everything is favorable he can start me a couple weeks early to get rid of a few weeks of torture. I really started crying and said that would be amazing! So now it's time to pray that I dilate.

My blood pressure was higher today and I've had some cramping. I had preeclampsia with Kennedy towards the end and I'm worried that's rearing its ugly head now, too. So if that gets bad It's possible the baby could be even earlier. We'll see though. Gotta take it 2 weeks at a time for 6 more weeks then take it from there.

Here's hoping time continues to fly by. This amazing weather is really helping even though I can't do much to get out and enjoy it. It still helps make me happy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go watch Frozen with Kennedy for the 100th time in a week.


30 Weeks

There are no words to adequately describe how long it has taken to get to this point. Sure, it's taken 30 weeks. But it has felt like an eternity.

And I don't have any words for how scared I am for the next 10.

This SPD is kicking my butt. Literally. And I've been told it's just going to get worse before delivery. I've already lost the ability to walk around places for a short period of time (grocery store, malls, etc) without being in a lot of pain the rest of the day or it making me so tired and achy I need a nap. Sleep is becoming increasingly difficult and I've woken Cory more than a few times now crying out in pain when I have to roll over or get up to use the restroom. I can't do dishes unless they can be done in 5 minutes or less, I can't give Kennedy a bath, I can barely wash my legs in the shower, I can't tie my own shoes, and I can barely get on and off the floor. As each mundane task I've taken for granted becomes more painful or more difficult, I fall apart that much more. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I have a doctor appointment Monday where I plan on talking about this in depth and covering all the bases. He may not have a plan for me this early in the game, and if that's the case I need to consider physical therapy. It's my last option before I lay down and die and let this wretched pregnancy completely take over my life.

I am so ready to be done feeling like this and not being able to adequately take care of my family or myself. I feel helpless, useless, and frustrated constantly. I cry all the time. I'm over it, in case you can't tell: )

I have seen some tender mercies along the way. Almost two years ago We bought our bed and if we hadn't, I would not be getting any sleep. That has helped a lot of the ache. Living with my parents has been a huge blessing because there's been a lot more help. And I've really needed it. Cory also has no garage to tinker in when he's bored so on his days off he's suckered into taking care of me, too haha. I'm kidding, he has always been and will continue to be very helpful and caring all on his own. He continues to blow me away like that. Hopefully with the continued assistance I will somehow survive this.

As much as I want this insanely active and very, very strong baby out of me so I can be human again, I also got the nervous jitters today again. I'm excited but also scared for embarking on the whole newborn stage again. I've been completely exhausted these last couple days and I forgot just how terrible of a feeling that is to still be expected to do everything and take care of a child when you just want to lay down and die. Thank heavens I won't be quite so physically inept when the baby is here. At least I hope I'm not.

We still can't agree on a name. I have one I like and Cory likes it, too but the little punk won't just commit to it. It's time to just dig my heals in and say that's what her name will be. There's nothing else I like as much. And Cory's reasons are stupid. ;)

Anyway, 10 more weeks to go. Hopefully less. Let's hope I can make it until then without being confined to a wheelchair or bed rest. We shall see.

Come on, little baby!!!


Speech Therapy

As mentioned before, we've had a long and frustrating road with Kennedy and her speech. She has always been so smart and understands everything around her, but ever since she was about 18 months old, She hasn't shown any interest in repeating things, saying words correctly, or shown any concern with not being understood.

She's infamous for half words. Words that have a consonant at the end, She won't say the consonant so 'cup' is" cuh", 'down' is" dow", etc. We have tried countless things to get her to say them right and she will not try it. We know she can, she just won't.

Anyway, after a long, long time of being told, "As long as she's progressing a little then there's nothing to worry about", or" Each kid develops at their own pace", or "She will get it eventually," we waited long enough and decided it was time to get her evaluated for speech therapy.

I can't tell you how hard this has been. I've felt like I constantly need to defend her to people so everyone knows she's extremely intelligent even though she's difficult to understand. I've gotten judgmental looks, comments about her being dumb, and have felt guilt and remorse almost daily even though I know it's not my fault. We really do try to help her. She's just stubborn as an ox. We would do anything for her and her well-being, so we decided to contact some help.

Today she had her evaluation to decide whether or not she qualifies for services. Cory and I were both able to attend and I was concerned all week about how she would react to a stranger because she's so shy.  There were three ladies and us with her in a tiny little room all asking her questions and testing her cognitive ability, speech, gross motor skills, fine motor skills, etc, Just to rule out any disabilities. She did amazing! She jumped right in and started playing with them, did what she was asked, and even teased them a little. I was proud. The only thing she wouldn't do was repeat words back to the speech therapist, which didn't surprise me at all since she won't do that for us either. She tested beyond her age for cognitive ability (see, told ya she's smart!) And fine motor skills. She was right on age with everything else but speech She was clearly behind. The therapist qualified her for speech therapy which overjoyed me. She really needs this.

Our next step is to meet with another lady and create a plan for her and then speech therapy can begin. They only offer services until she turns 3 and then she's turned over to preschool where they continue to help her in a school setting. I've been agonizing over whether or not to join the neighborhood joy school or have her go to preschool and decided to wait and see how this went before I made a decision. I'm so glad I did!!

I feel relieved and excited but also a little nervous. I'm hoping the speech therapist is able to coax her to repeat words and get her to improve her diction. I'm so excited to see what's been locked up inside her and to finally be able to communicate with her and understand what she says. Hopefully we can get this girl talking!


Disney On Ice

This past weekend we had the chance to go to Disney On Ice. I had never been before and certainly Kennedy hadn't either. My mom wanted to make it a girls date, plus my nephew, and so everyone who wanted to come did. The show itself was great and Kennedy just ate it up. Although several times she was more concerned with where the spotlights were coming from and how they worked. She really is all Cory. Since she's a first born child and I have no self control to tell her no, I did get royally ripped off and buy her a horse souvenir which she has had by her side non-stop since. At least it wasn't a waste. But holy cow Disney merchandise is a joke.

We had dinner at Culvers before we left. That place is delicious. Kennedy is pretty much obsessed with her cousin.

Don't mind her creepy face in this picture. She was so excited, I promise. 

We had a fantastic time but I will never ever go pregnant again. Well, pregnant in my condition. The walk from the car almost killed me, the seats were really hard on my backside, and I had contractions through the whole first half.  The walk back wasn't too bad since I had been sitting so long but it was a lesson learned that I really just have to take it easy from now on. I ached all night and was sore the next day, too. I'm not joking when I say this pregnancy might kill me. 



At my doctors appointment a month ago I explained the pain I've been having in my lower pelvic region to my doctor. He said it sounded like my ligaments were torn. That didn't sound good but I didn't really know what that entailed.

Well, I've done my research now and it was disheartening. But let me back up and explain what's been going on.

My pelvic floor muscles and lower pelvic area are in constant pain. The intensity of the pain varies but it is always there. I've also felt my hips popping and clicking in and out of joint. The popping I usually feel in my lower back and it really does feel like my hips just popped into socket all the sudden.

I hurt doing pretty much everything. Its by far the worst at night when I have to roll over or get up to use the restroom. Standing on one leg hurts, putting shoes and socks on hurts, Standing too long, walking too long, carrying things, going up and down the stairs, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. Basically being a human hurts. It's uncomfortable and there but it gets worse throughout the day as I do more activities and strain myself more. I'm pretty much spent each night and get upset and cry that this is so hard. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself when I was pregnant with Kennedy that I had it easier then and to shut the heck up with the complaining.

Anyway, after doing research, the technical term that I've self diagnosed myself with is symphysis pubis dysfunction which causes pelvic girdle pain. The two terms are often used interchangeably. Basically, the ligaments That are supposed to be strong and support my separated joints during pregnancy have been injured and aren't doing their job. So any time my pelvis is out of line, it hurts. Which is a lot. I know without a doubt they were damaged while running in the first trimester. I wish I knew how, though.

There is no relief from this until after I deliver the baby. It can complicate delivery which scares me, But I'm praying that doesn't happen. Depending on the severity, some cases don't go away after pregnancy and the person is left with this problem forever. I'm praying that's not me either. Tylenol offers no relief because it's not an anti inflammatory and pregnant women can't take those.

In order to help myself and avoid making the problem worse, I'm supposed to avoid anything that makes it hurt. So I'm supposed to lay down and die, basically: ). I was so proud of myself for doing yoga the other day and reigniting the flame of exercise excitement but that night and the next day my pain was really bad. Like, woke me up at night bad. According to the articles I read, any stretching (so, yoga) bending, lifting, walking, or anything that puts strain on the pelvis shouldn't be done. That rules out every single form of exercise. I'm still determined to try swimming though since being in the water makes me weightless. I'm testing this theory on Monday. You know I'm getting desperate if I'm willing to be seen in a swimsuit in this state. Ha ha

Obviously there's so much I can't avoid. Someone still has to cook and clean and I have a toddler so I can't just sit around the next couple months. I do try and take it easy because I don't want to worsen the condition  or cause a longer recovery post baby. I definitely plan on steering clear of running or vigorous exercise until I know it's healed so I won't have any issues after the baby also.

This condition is really hard to cope with since there is constant pain. It causes anxiety, irritability and depression during pregnancy, which has described me lately, and I am 3x's more likely to suffer from post partum depression after baby. Since I already had it so bad with Kennedy that really scares me. I plan on discussing this in depth with my doctor at my next appointment to determine a course of action for delivery and after the baby.

This pregnancy has already been so challenging that I almost expect it to just get worse and worse. I've been exhausted, I've gained an excessive amount of weight regardless of my efforts, which I blame on the issue I had before pregnancy that I wasn't able to fix, I'm always in pain, and now I've already started to have Braxton hicks. Some have been kind of intense. But, I'm trying to stay positive. I have every hope in the world that this baby gets to come early. I'm not sure how much more my poor body can handle. We will see though. At least I'm able to have a baby, right? Although this doesn't at all make me want to have a 3rd child. Maybe I'll forget how terrible this has been.

So that's the low down on why I am struggling so badly this time around. It's been frustrating when I've tried so hard to have a better pregnancy this time and it's been so much worse. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) I'll shoot for letting myself go and being miserable so maybe that one will be better. Reverse psychology, right? ;)