1.06.2014

I Really Needed That

It's no secret that nothing else can scare me right now more than the thought of having two kids. Spiders? nah. Apocalypse? Bring it! E.T.? He's a close second. I am utterly and legitimately terrified.

As I've stated probably a million times before, motherhood did not come easily for me. It still doesn't. I repeatedly feel like a terrible mother, break down, get discouraged, and feel like if we all make it out of this alive then it will be a miracle. I feel like I lose my mind too much as it is now, how am I going to survive when that work load is doubled?? 

I know some things will be easier the second time and some things will be harder. But as with every challenge motherhood brings, it will be absolutely worth it. I hadn't felt that with this baby at all until yesterday...

Church had just gotten out and I exited the relief society room and headed down the hall to find Cory and Kennedy. I didn't have to walk long. I heard Cory's voice say, "There she is!" Suddenly appearing out of the mass of people in the hall, Kennedy emerged and ran at me with her arms wide for a hug and excitedly screaming, "Mommy!"

I crouched down ready to receive the impact of her sweet little embrace and noticed she had caught the attention of just about everyone in the hallway, who watched us with that isn't-that-so-precious, look.

I picked her up and hugged her tight as she told me about nursery in her gibberish that I can barely understand and felt so happy in That moment I got emotional. She's done this before, but in that moment I felt her intense love for me, her need for me to keep her safe, and the pure happiness and joy that can come from motherhood. Every difficult moment, every breakdown, every prayer uttered for strength to not screw her up has been worth it. I'm not doing that terrible of a job if she loves her mommy that much.

And then it hit me: if I'm this happy in this small little moment at church, imagine how much happier I'm going to be with two kids to share these moments with! It was the first time I had been excited about having another one since we felt it was time to try. I've been dreading the baby stage, the ridiculously named "baby blues", the sleepless nights, and the crying. But I never got past the fact that none of that lasts forever, and I might even enjoy it this time around since I'm experienced.

I felt it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father showing me how great my reward will be for getting through the hard times. There's just as many good ones to look forward to. It's time to start focusing on those so I don't keep hyperventilating over having another baby.

I'm excited to hold our little baby girl and relish in my love for her. I'm excited to watch Kennedy learn to love her. I'm excited to see Cory's heart grow as he surrounds himself with his girls. I'm excited to be a family.

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