10.17.2013

Debby Downer

I'm having trouble keeping it together. 

I know depressing posts aren't ideal, but I really feel like I need to write this down so I can look back one day and see how far I've come. Because right now I feel like I've kind of lost control of life and it's a scary feeling. 

I know moving is the right choice and I know it's a good one. Or will be, when it's all over. We've started packing up our things and have taken down most of our decor. The house feels empty and sad and I cry a lot looking at it. This is our home. This is where we brought Kennedy. This is where she took her first steps. She loves it here. Every time we pull in the garage she happily exclaims, "we're home!!" She knows each room. She knows where everything is. I feel incredible guilt taking her away from that. When I think about forcing her to make a change like this, I just lose it because I feel like we're not giving her everything she deserves. I know that's not the case. She loves grandmas house. She loves grandma. She'll adjust. We all will. And we will all benefit greatly in the long run. We ARE doing what's best, but I sure have a hard time feeling it some days. I never want her to think she's not a priority and lately I've just felt like the worst mother. I can't really explain it.   

I know we'll be back. I know it's temporary. But it is SOOO hard to leave. This house is the first place Cory and I got to share alone. This is where we belong and I'm struggling walking away from that. 

On top of all these emotions I'm also incredibly stressed out. We have so much packing to do in so little time. If all goes according to plan, moving day will be a total nightmare for me!! I'm worried about what may be wrong with my health and I hate waiting months between tests. I hate having debilitating fatigue and being useless. I hate that I have a half-marathon next weekend and I can barely get off the couch these days. I feel like I'm just breaking down. It's too much at once. And to make it worse, I've felt incredibly alone throughout all this. I know I'm not. I know I have Cory. I know I have my Savior. But I've just felt like I'm drowning and everyone is too busy working on their tan to give a crap. Ok, that analogy sucked, but oh well. I've worried that I'm getting depressed and I can't go down that road again. For me and for Kennedy, I have to stay strong. But I'm running out of ways how to. I don't know what else to do. 

I've never been one to handle change well. My first couple months of college I called my mom every night and cried and begged her to let me come home until I finally made some friends. Having Kennedy turned me into a crazy psychopath. We have a lot of changes coming up. Some we know very little about. So yeah, I'm freaking out a little bit. Now I feel like I cry to my Heavenly Father every night and tell him I can't do this, I'm not fond of these changes and I just want to "come home", meaning, I want things back to normal. I want them to be comfortable. 

I know they won't just be that way. I know people have faced much worse and freaked out much less. If finding out I'm emotionally unstable is a shock to you, you clearly don't know me that well. I'm infamous for bottling everything up, pretending I'm totally ok, and then just wigging out and shutting myself off from the world while I break down and rebuild myself. This isn't all just because we're moving. There's so much happening with us right now. So much that's scary and unseen and just... Ugh... HARD! And tonight is a particularly rough breakdown. Like I said, I usually keep these things to myself, but I want to remember how this felt, even though it's sucky. I want to remember that regardless of how hard this was, I made it through. I want to remember that these feelings are natural when the next unforeseen trial strikes and that I've done it before. I just want to remember. 

I keep praying for strength to get through each day and somehow I do. Two big stressors will be over within the next couple weeks (moving and the race) and then hopefully I can get back to only juggling 80 things instead of 82. I just feel like there's not enough of me to go around. Maybe I'll hire a proxy. 

Again, sorry for being a downer. Life isn't always perfect and I always want my blog to reflect the reality of our lives and not have it be some made up "oh look! our lives are awesome all the time and we're so happy and so rich and everyone loves us and we never have troubles" type of blog. Those are crap. Life just sucks sometimes. And sometimes we need to read about it so we know we're not alone. 

3 comments:

Liv said...

I think moving turns anyone into a crazy person. We moved twice in the last year and each time I thought my life was legitimately over because everything was so stressful.

I'm sorry it's all hitting the fan right now; I hope you'll get some relief soon.

Amy said...

I relate so much. Having to move right before Z was born just about did me in. It is totally stressful. I felt the same way about Maggie and Z, taking Mags away from her home, not having a nursery for Z, it all just sucked. There will be hard days but then things will settle and be normal again. Hang in there. You got this!

Mike and Lisa said...

You have so much going on right now, and I am sorry you are under so much stress. I don't think you need to feel guilty about being stressed. You are doing what is best for your family and putting your family first. My offer still stands that I would love to have Kennedy come over for the morning...then you could either rest or get some stuff done without an extra helper. I also think a girls night might be in order! I know I could definitely use one and it sounds like you could, too. :) Let me know what I can do to help.