10.29.2013

Health Crap

This is kind of premature to post when we still don't know what's up with me yet, but maybe I can answer a few questions.

In March I started to feel really tired all the time. My stamina level while working out dropped significantly and regardless of exercise and a healthy diet, I began to gain weight and I couldn't stop it or lose it.

I kept blaming it on other things." Oh it's just the change of seasons. It's just because I had my IUD out and my body needs to level out." But over time, nothing changed and I was still steadily gaining weight. I went back to my family doctor and he was zero help. I wondered if it had more to do with unbalanced hormones than my thyroid so I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. I should have done it sooner because she was scheduled months in advance. By the time I got to go see her, I was already pregnant. I knew that was going to mess with things, especially if it was all hormonal.

I went to the appointment anyway and explained my whole history from when I had Kennedy up until now. She ran my thyroid levels again and they came back normal. They have always been normal but my thyroid has always been really big and the symptoms are all the same as hypothyroidism.

I asked her about hormone imbalances and she said since I'm pregnant there's nothing they can do until after the baby.  Joy.

She also ordered an ultrasound on my thyroid to see why it is so big. I have that next month. Once again, it was scheduled way out in advance. So we don't know what's up.

Until we get it figured out I'm trying my best to not freak out. I don't think it's anything serious but being so incredibly tired and gaining weight so rapidly has been a little challenging to deal with. Ok, the exhaustion has been hell and the weight gain worries me that I'll be gigantic by the time this baby comes. It's a very real possibility.

I can just tell that things aren't normal. I haven't felt normal or good for a long time now, at least not without the help of medication that I don't want to be dependent on. It has worried me as far as how healthy this pregnancy will be but I have faith it won't cause any problems with the baby.

So that's the basic idea right now. We're running all the tests we can to see what the deal is and will probably continue to do so after this baby comes, too. I have 2.5 more weeks of my first trimester and I can't wait to get back to just being really tired instead of being incapacitated. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of this one way or another and get my body working normally again.

10.26.2013

Big News, Crappy Day

In case you missed it, we have big news:
We're having another baby! I can hardly believe it myself. Cory was super excited right away but it took me a while to warm up to the idea. We felt it was time to bite the bullet in March and start trying for the next child. This was also the same time that my health started to dive bomb, and two weeks later the landslide happened at Kennecott. So we had to practice some real faith in the Lord's timing that everything would work out. 5 months later, we got the positive test! The timing still isn't perfect. It's really messed up the investigation on what the heck is happening to my body. There's a lot to explain there so I'll have to do it in another post. And things aren't peachy financially yet but we have hope it'll all work out.

We don't really care what the gender is. Cory wants a boy, obviously. And if we are granted with such we will name him Logan. I've loved that name for 12 years now. I can't wait to use it! If it's a girl that's totally cool with me (not sure I know how to raise a boy?) and we probably won't ever pick a name for her. Names are hard.

This pregnancy has been harder than Kennedy was. I was already suffering from extreme fatigue and unexplained weight gain before I got pregnant. Now I'm packing on the pounds and I've never been so tired in all my life. That's not even a correct enough statement. Just taking a shower wears me out. I think there's been two days total that I've gotten Kennedy and myself ready in the same day. I just don't have the strength or energy for it without some kind of caffeine intervention (not pop). I've also been a lot sicker this time. Still no throwing up (I had one really close call) but I have been constantly nauseated and have just felt terrible. I forgot how much I hated this whole process.

So anyway, on to other news, about a week before we found out I was pregnant my friend had asked me to run a Halloween half marathon with her. It was 6 weeks away, which wasn't much time to train but I figured it was ok to try it. Then I found out about the pregnancy. My instincts told me to not go through with it, but I was determined to have a healthier pregnancy this time around and this was a great way to keep me motivated. Plus I thought it would make a cute way to announce the pregnancy to everyone.

Training went really well until I hit about 6.5 weeks and that's when the exhaustion and sickness hit. Running became extremely difficult. At 7 weeks I had my last long run planned and it ended up causing pretty intense pain in my pelvic region that scared the crap out of me!! I immediately stopped all physical exercise and waited for the following week when we had an ultrasound with my OB. I explained everything to him, he said everything looked perfectly normal and that pain happens because of the body stretching and getting loose, and Ok'd me to run the race. I was still apprehensive and I knew it was going to be painful, but I didn't know just how painful until today.

So, we had registered to run the Provo Halloween Half. I had heard great things about this race and was really excited. It was supposed to be a big costume party with a fast, downhill course and "the most fun you can have in Provo." That's their motto anyway. It's all lies. Here's what happened:

  • They changed the course 5 days before the race, eliminating the fastest 5 miles of the course. Instead they were replaced with some downhill mixed with big hills. 
  • They changed the bus loading times by 2 hours and didn't tell anyone until yesterday. 
  • When we went to load the buses, there weren't enough for everyone and hundreds of us were left stranded at the loading zone without a way up the canyon. We had to wait over an hour for buses to come pick us up. 
  • As we were pulling up to the start line, sitting in the bus for Highway Patrol to tell us where to unload, THEY STARTED THE RACE WITHOUT US! I'm not even kidding! They didn't wait. We had several pacers in our group that were supposed to be pacing for people. And it was the race organizer's fault we weren't there on time! 
  • They unloaded our bus on the wrong side of the road, into oncoming traffic so we had to dart through traffic to get across the street.
  • The bag drop truck had already left, so we had no where to put our gear. 
  • There were only TWO porta potties at the start. TWO!!! Now those of us who were already left behind the start had to wait in a super long line to go pee. 
  • They ran out of Gatorade at the aid stations. ( I never drink Gatorade but some people were pissed)
  • Remember the early-departing bag-drop truck? Yeah, it took 4 hours for them to "find" the finish line. Everyone had to wait around for the bags to be delivered before they could leave. No one knew where they went.
I have never been so disappointed in a race before. It was terrible. And the "fast" course they promised? All the downhill that I was relying on to get me through this race? Yeah... didn't happen. Like I said, the downhill was mixed with big hills and then at mile 6 when we joined up with the Provo River Trail, it was all flat. It was MISERABLE!!

My experience was even worse. I obviously wasn't ready for the race so I had no time goal. I did pretty well the first 6-7 miles and even made some great time at first. And then the pelvic pain hit me like a bus. All my muscles in that area just stabbed at me. My hips began to hurt like crazy too which made moving my legs really, really hard. I didn't have the downhill I had been counting on to help push me along, so I just tanked. I had to walk the majority of the rest of the away. I can't remember anything hurting that bad in my life. Not even labor. And I'm not kidding. I had decided I was going to quit at the next aid station (around mile 10) and called my mom to let everyone at the finish know that I was alive and taking forever because I hurt so bad and that I might quit. I didn't even get past "I hurt so much" because I lost it and just started to bawl. My mom hurried and gave me a pep-talk and told me to keep going. I tried to harness that and think of Kennedy to get me there faster because I had missed her so much but my body just wasn't having it. At this time I passed some spectators who noticed from my shirt that I was pregnant and they started cheering really loudly for me. One girl stood up and said, "You're my hero!" This made me lose it even more and I can't type it without crying because it was just what I needed to keep going. I'm so grateful for people like that!

Somehow, I made it the rest of the way and just before the last turn to the finish line I saw Lisa. She came and walked/jogged with me while we both cried. I was hating every single step and she was trying to make me feel proud of what I was doing. That meant so much to me. I passed my family and I grabbed Kennedy to run the last little part with me across the finish. That was the highlight of the race. People were cheering for us and she was loving the excitement. She's a good little runner! Finally, FINALLY the race was over!

Although I'm proud I finished a half-marathon while pregnant, which I never imagined myself doing, I will never, ever do it again. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support me though, and for their encouraging words and love.  It meant so much to me!

I stayed the night in Provo with my friend, Marissa, and we had a total blast! After it took me 2 solid hours to get to her house (not even joking, traffic was a nightmare) we had fun out on the town going to dinner and eating ice cream and watching Grey's Anatomy before bed. She was so supportive and dropped me off at the bus loading zone early in the morning and came to cheer me on! She took most of the pictures I'm about to post, too :) That, there, is a good friend, folks!

Ok, so let's look at the experience in photo's now. They are in no order because I am way too tired to figure out how to organize them.
Here's Kennedy and I running to the finish
 And crossing the finish line
 And here's an adorable picture of her that Marissa took! I wish she would smile, little butt!
 The family. All 4 of us :)
 Hillary brought a little puppy that she's trying to nurse back to health. Kennedy was obsessed I guess. She sure loves dogs.
 Here I am hobbling to the finish.
 And me after
 My awesome support group
 And Michelle and I at the start. Notice how deserted it is...
So that was my day in a nutshell. Almost died, finished a race, can't walk at all now. But the cat is out of the bag on the baby news.

10.17.2013

Debby Downer

I'm having trouble keeping it together. 

I know depressing posts aren't ideal, but I really feel like I need to write this down so I can look back one day and see how far I've come. Because right now I feel like I've kind of lost control of life and it's a scary feeling. 

I know moving is the right choice and I know it's a good one. Or will be, when it's all over. We've started packing up our things and have taken down most of our decor. The house feels empty and sad and I cry a lot looking at it. This is our home. This is where we brought Kennedy. This is where she took her first steps. She loves it here. Every time we pull in the garage she happily exclaims, "we're home!!" She knows each room. She knows where everything is. I feel incredible guilt taking her away from that. When I think about forcing her to make a change like this, I just lose it because I feel like we're not giving her everything she deserves. I know that's not the case. She loves grandmas house. She loves grandma. She'll adjust. We all will. And we will all benefit greatly in the long run. We ARE doing what's best, but I sure have a hard time feeling it some days. I never want her to think she's not a priority and lately I've just felt like the worst mother. I can't really explain it.   

I know we'll be back. I know it's temporary. But it is SOOO hard to leave. This house is the first place Cory and I got to share alone. This is where we belong and I'm struggling walking away from that. 

On top of all these emotions I'm also incredibly stressed out. We have so much packing to do in so little time. If all goes according to plan, moving day will be a total nightmare for me!! I'm worried about what may be wrong with my health and I hate waiting months between tests. I hate having debilitating fatigue and being useless. I hate that I have a half-marathon next weekend and I can barely get off the couch these days. I feel like I'm just breaking down. It's too much at once. And to make it worse, I've felt incredibly alone throughout all this. I know I'm not. I know I have Cory. I know I have my Savior. But I've just felt like I'm drowning and everyone is too busy working on their tan to give a crap. Ok, that analogy sucked, but oh well. I've worried that I'm getting depressed and I can't go down that road again. For me and for Kennedy, I have to stay strong. But I'm running out of ways how to. I don't know what else to do. 

I've never been one to handle change well. My first couple months of college I called my mom every night and cried and begged her to let me come home until I finally made some friends. Having Kennedy turned me into a crazy psychopath. We have a lot of changes coming up. Some we know very little about. So yeah, I'm freaking out a little bit. Now I feel like I cry to my Heavenly Father every night and tell him I can't do this, I'm not fond of these changes and I just want to "come home", meaning, I want things back to normal. I want them to be comfortable. 

I know they won't just be that way. I know people have faced much worse and freaked out much less. If finding out I'm emotionally unstable is a shock to you, you clearly don't know me that well. I'm infamous for bottling everything up, pretending I'm totally ok, and then just wigging out and shutting myself off from the world while I break down and rebuild myself. This isn't all just because we're moving. There's so much happening with us right now. So much that's scary and unseen and just... Ugh... HARD! And tonight is a particularly rough breakdown. Like I said, I usually keep these things to myself, but I want to remember how this felt, even though it's sucky. I want to remember that regardless of how hard this was, I made it through. I want to remember that these feelings are natural when the next unforeseen trial strikes and that I've done it before. I just want to remember. 

I keep praying for strength to get through each day and somehow I do. Two big stressors will be over within the next couple weeks (moving and the race) and then hopefully I can get back to only juggling 80 things instead of 82. I just feel like there's not enough of me to go around. Maybe I'll hire a proxy. 

Again, sorry for being a downer. Life isn't always perfect and I always want my blog to reflect the reality of our lives and not have it be some made up "oh look! our lives are awesome all the time and we're so happy and so rich and everyone loves us and we never have troubles" type of blog. Those are crap. Life just sucks sometimes. And sometimes we need to read about it so we know we're not alone. 

10.10.2013

Clarification

So it turns out that blogging moments after you decide a huge life change isn't the best. 

I'm not sure I explained things really well in my last post. Not that our finances are anyone's business, because they're not, but I've gotten comments from both ends of the misinterpretation spectrum. I can only imagine what people are assuming.

We are preventing a financial crisis by renting, not trying to get out of one. We haven't screwed ourselves over so badly that we're almost losing our home. We're doing ok. We could stay in our house if we wanted, getting by but being stressed out and worrying about Cory's job all the time. Or we could be proactive and just fix things now before they have the potential to get bad. That's what we're doing. 

But why moving? Why did we pick that? 

That's a valid question. 

Cory had heard rumors here and there of full hours returning but it was all hearsay. We gave it a good 6 months to see if that would happen and it hasn't yet. Rather than wait around and keep wondering, and due to some recent changes in my health and a future increase in medical bills (to be discussed in another post) we had some options to choose from that we had discussed. 

1. Cory could find a second job. But that is almost impossible when his schedule changes every week. As I mentioned before, finding a different job isn't an option for us either. We're way too happy with working for Rio Tinto. Finding anyone in the valley to rival them would be extremely difficult, even without his usual hours.  

2. He thought about making custom bumpers and selling them, but that meant more time away from family on his days off. But it was an option. He's incredibly talented and his first bumper that he originally made for his jeep he sold for quite a bit of money a couple years ago. We liked that choice. 

3. I got proactive with my at-home babysitting to supplement the income loss and tried to get the word out there to bring in more clients. If I had to, I could have taken more full-time child care clients and been chained to my house every day. It would have sucked, but it was a choice. I could still be with Kennedy that way. Cory didn't like this plan in the slightest because he enjoys spending time with us on his days off and that would have gone out the window. So he told me to wait on the full-time option. 

4. We tossed around the idea about me going back to work full time. But I couldn't even look at Kennedy without sobbing at the thought of not being with her each day. It would have been like taking away my sunlight. Plus daycare is expensive and would make it almost not worth it to work by the time we paid for that. That was a last resort choice. I would do almost anything before doing that. 

5. We kind of "joked" about selling or renting our house. Selling was kind of an extreme choice but after all, it's just a house, and we have plenty of equity in it that we could have sold it and been debt free. I won't lie, that option was so tempting to me. But we're not ready to leave just yet. We love our home and neighbors and the area. Renting was another choice, a riskier one since we'd be trusting strangers to take care of our house, but it made financial sense to take the mortgage burden away for a time and tackle some other finances. We just never took it too seriously. Until the Lord intervened.  

The answer just kind of hit us both, and ironically it happened on a very stressful day. Given the increase in medical bills, the fact that we still don't know how long it could be before things get back to normal at Kennecott, and various other things, it was the best choice hands down. It wasn't the easiest choice, but it's the right one. And I think it is the quickest choice. In a years time we can pay off all our debt and move back home and it won't matter if Cory has full hours again or not, we'll be living comfortably and free of all student loan and auto debt! We can easily pay medical bills and save for future changes. Not many people have parents cool enough to let them do that. We're so grateful to my parents for helping us out and letting us make a wise choice for our family while they sacrifice their privacy and peace and quiet. 

Obviously we're emotional. We love our house. We love our neighbors. We're worried about finding good renters. We're worried about driving my parents crazy and putting them out. We're worried about them driving us crazy. I'm extremely worried about not having a dishwasher for a year since their basement doesn't have one. But at the same time we're excited. It's going to end so well and we're so grateful for this chance to better our lives. This definitely wasn't a last resort choice because we had exhausted all our options. It was one that felt right and let's us still be a family. I'm very grateful the Lord knows what He is doing and for this opportunity. 

No, I'm not dying. Don't worry about me, I'm just not ready to explain what's going on with me yet. We Still don't have ALL the answers and I'd like to wait until we do before I blog about it. 

10.09.2013

Big Changes

It's been 6 months since the landslide at Kennecott. Since then, as mentioned before, we've been getting by without Cory's full pay, but barely. We've just kept praying and hoping that things would pick up and we could get back to normal, but that hasn't happened. 

In the stress of it all we've talked about what we should do in the event that this lasts a while. Although we still don't know the whole story on whether or not Cory may receive all his hours again, we've concluded that it has been long enough and that it's time for a drastic change. 

With thought and prayer, we both felt today that our best choice would be to rent our home for a year and move in with my parents to pay off our student loans and our car. We could breathe much easier without that debt weighing us down. 

This choice has been very hard to make and I've shed a lot of tears today. But I also feel a lot of peace knowing how much this will help us in the long run. And we will be back. Our house is still our house. Someone else will just be living in it for a while. 

We want to remain in our ward since we will be back and we're only moving 5 minutes away. And I don't want to wait another 6 months for Kennedy to adjust to a new nursery class again and I love teaching our youth. I guess that's something we'll have to run by our bishop. 

The decision was made today so we don't have an exact timeline yet. I normally would wait to announce this but we are in need of clean, reliable, honest renters. So if you know of anyone who is looking for a 3 bedroom home to rent, please send them our way. If we had to, we could be ready to rent starting about the middle of November. 

It's been a challenging and humbling 6 months but we've learned a lot about faith in The Lord. We get to exercise that faith now and trust that everything will be ok and we will benefit greatly from the huge change. I guess our lives are anything but boring.