Book Bashing

We read to Kennedy every night.

Before you bust out the parent-of-the-year-award, because we clearly deserve it, let me tell you the down side to reading every night, because it is not always enjoyable. 

The problem with reading every night is you read the same books; over and over and over and over and over again. I have 90% of them memorized and I'm pretty sure I heard Cory say a line from one of them in his sleep the other night. A week ago we were eating sugar snap peas and he found one that was already opened and got excited because it looked like the peas in Kennedy's Barney book about food. I literally mean ex-cit-ed!! Like he had just found his own baby picture in a National Geographic magazine, excited. 

I will forever know that Clifford says "bow-wow", that Humpty Dumpty is doomed to stay broken forever regardless of modern medicine, that all animals sleep, that everyone poops, and that when monkeys jump on beds, they always fall off and bump their heads, even though they can leap from limb to limb flawlessly. 

Not only do we have these books memorized, but we've also reached the point in our boredom where we've started to critique them and point out every little flaw we see. A bull and baby goats would never be in the same corral in real life. What kind of farm is Old MacDonald running?! 

But none bother me more than this one:
I. Hate. This. Book. Specifically this altered version of the story. Never in my existence have I questioned the sanity and moral values of this beloved children's tale. But when you look closely, especially a hundred times in a row, it's not hard to find behavioral issues and poor life lessons on every page. So let's begin. 
First of all, Goldilocks is skipping through the woods, all alone, in the middle of the day, hungry, and no one is concerned. In fact, she's having a great time! Does this girl not have parents? We've concluded, based on her forthcoming behavior, that she in fact, does not. Either that or they're just really crappy ones. 
Next, this delusional child smells something delicious. Driven by what we can imagine is her intense hunger, she follows the smell and finds a house - a creepy, solitary house - in the middle of no where.  
It's obvious no one taught this girl stranger danger, because she marches right up to the house, knocks on the door, and decides to go inside. Being a lover of food, I'm a little more forgiving on this part than Cory. Hunger drives me to do some pretty crazy stuff. I can't blame a girl for following a delicious smell with her stomach, rather than her brain. I've been known to leave my own singles ward sacrament meeting in the past to attend another wards linger longer... 

Ok, so the judgement-impaired Goldilocks is in the house and sees some porridge. Her thought? "I'm sure no one will mind if I have a little taste of this porridge". 

If I were the bears, I would. I would mind, Goldilocks. Pretty sure I'd be irritated and very confused if a little girl came waltzing into my house and started eating off my plate; I don't care how adorable her curly hair is! 

But, let's not forget, she didn't have parents to teach her any better. 
The next page in the story is where the authors failed to do their scientific research, particularly in this version. First Goldilocks tries the biggest bowl, and it's too cold. Second, she tries the medium-sized bowl, and it's too hot. Lastly, she tries the smallest bowl and the temperature is just right. I'm sorry, but in what world does the biggest bowl cool down faster than the smaller bowls? And where does a starving, clepto child get the balls to not only steal someone else's food from a mysterious house in the middle of the woods, but to sample them all first for the best one? This is clearly not her first porridge theft. The girl has had some practice. Probably from life on the streets. 

Then, she loses all self-control and instead of "tasting" the porridge, she eats the whole damn bowl. I feel ya there, sister. I know better than to "taste" just one potato chip from the bag. Before I know it I look like a wood chipper inhaling as fast as I can. But maybe it's her experience in food-theft that has taught her she needs to eat it quick and move on so someone can blame it on the dog.
 On the next page, Goldilocks abandons her training and decides to chill out at the crime scene. She meanders into the living room and sees some chairs. First, she climbs into the biggest chair and exclaims, "This chair is too big!" Poor deductive reasoning skills, that one. You couldn't have noticed that without sitting in the chair? Take this one for example:
I can determine that this one is much too large for me without having to sit in it. Besides, that seat is already taken. 

In the usual version, Goldilocks rejects the biggest chair because it is too hard. That is much more reasonable. Hard chairs suck! That's why many of us will squeeze uncomfortably close to others in the pews at church, rather than have ample space in the back on the folding chairs in the overflow. 

Anyway, then Goldilocks says the middle chair is too soft. If there's a chair out there that's too soft, I haven't found it, but she apparently has. 

And lastly, she spots the chair that is obviously just the right size, sits her malnourished body down in it and...
It breaks. It can support a bear, but not a little child. Maybe it was her gorging on the porridge that did her in.

 But this still doesn't deter Goldocks! She's stolen their food and broken their possessions and instead of running away in fear of being busted, she decides she needs a nap. Trespassing can be exhausting. And what a better place to do this than in the house she's invaded! 
On this page, it's not the firmness of the beds or even Goldilocks choice of bed that annoys me. It's the fact that Mommy bear and Daddy bear are sleeping in separate beds. I sense some marital issues, maybe caused by Daddy bear's anger issues which surface on the next couple pages. It's also important to note that Baby bear is still co-sleeping with them when he's clearly too old for that stuff now. 
Then the bears return home from their walk to find their house broken in to. It was nice of them to send Baby bear in first when they have a home invasion... 
Then Daddy bear presents his anger management issues and mommy bear just looks at her bowl confused, like maybe she did too many drugs in college and can't even remember what she put in the bowl in the first place. And Baby bear exclaims, "my porridge has all gone!" Uh.... Someone get this kid some grammar lessons. 
Then they understandably get upset about the chair situation. Notice Daddy Bear completely loses it over a stolen bite of porridge but is calm as a clam to find his sons chair shattered into a zillion pieces. 
And lastly, they find Golilocks asleep in Baby Bears bed. And rather than do anything productive like call the police, kidnap her for ransom, or eat her instead of their contaminated porridge... 
They let her run away while they scratch their heads confused. What push-overs. 

So, let's recap. Lessons to be learned here:
From the bear's perspective: 
Never purchase real estate in the middle of the woods or starving orphan children will come steal your food. Just ask the witch from Hansel and Grettle. At least she knew how to profit from it.  
Always lock your door. 
Don't do drugs. 
Learn to catch a free meal when it wanders into your house. 

From Goldilick's perspective: 
Blondes really do have more fun. 

And get away with everything. 


Don Greene said...

Awesome...well done. Enjoyed it a lot!

Michelle said...

You are an awesome writer and humorist Megan. Very impressive story. You should be published outside of your blog.