I'm having an emotional night. You know, one of those nights where you're alone and lonely, you cry on every episode of your favorite show, and you consume frightening amounts of ice cream. It happens, and you can blame it on any number of female problems, but these nights suck.
Tonight in particular sucks. I've had nights like this before. A lot, actually. About every month or so. Ever since I got married it's happened, and twice as often since having Kennedy. You see, tonight is one of those nights where I keep having that "feeling" that I'm going to lose either Cory or Kennedy. I spend the entire night (and sometimes days) with a pit of anxiety in my stomach just waiting for the ax to fall. I feel sick to my stomach and my chest hurts. I get exceptionally nervous when Cory is at work because it can be dangerous there and his commute is long. I check on Kennedy 5 times more than I need to while she's sleeping just to make sure she's alive and breathing. And I cry. A lot!
I cry because nothing would cripple me more than to lose one of them. There's no coming back from that. I cry because I hate feeling so scared that my mortal time with them is temporary. I don't know if I'm just overly paranoid or if it's something else entirely. But it scares me beyond the words to describe it. And sometimes I fear that maybe I'm the one who's going to have to go and I lose it even more. I could never leave my family here with that kind of pain. The thought of Kennedy growing up without her mother.... literally.... just.... makes me ache. Leaving Cory all alone is just as bad. Would they even make it through that? It makes me so sick to think about. And yet I can't seem to shake the feeling!
I'm going to let you in on a personal secret. I've always felt deep within me that I won't be able to raise kids on this earth very long. I know that through the sealing power of God that I will be with my family forever, no matter when we die. Cory will always be my companion. Our children will remain our children. But I just keep feeling like our time here on earth is short. I've always chocked that up to the second coming happening soon - and maybe that's what it is - but it's still very scary. None of us know what our future holds or when we're going to die. Our lives can be ended in a split second. Does that scare anyone else?
I've often seriously wondered if maybe I need therapy when I feel this way. I'm sure most people don't sit around crying about losing their spouse or children when it hasn't even happened. But it is hands down my biggest fear and sometimes it consumes me. Maybe it's because I'm alone often and it gets to me. Maybe it's because I lost so much to finally find Cory and to have Kennedy that I'm scared to death of losing them, too. Maybe it's because Kennedy is an extension of myself - a part of me - and if she died I would die too. Maybe it's because I lost a close friend in the blink of an eye and I know how quickly things can change. Maybe it's because of a lot of things. I don't know where it comes from or why it won't stop. And no amount of funny shows or ice cream throughout the night will completely get rid of it.
Eventually morning comes. Life goes on. Cory comes home and hugs me and I can have that physical reassurance that he's here. He's on my time now. He's no longer out in situations and circumstances I can't control. He's home and safe and I feel peaceful again for quite a while. Morning comes and Kennedy wakes up and her head pops up over the edge of her crib and she flashes me that cheesy, adorable grin of hers with her messy bed hair and I feel complete. I have it all. My whole world exists in these two people. They're ok. I'm ok. We're together. For now, at least. All worry and anxiety is forgotten until the next night I'm alone with out of control emotions.
Is this normal? Is this a new form of married/motherhood PMS? Do I feel this way because they are my entire reason for breathing? Or am I a nut job? Am I the only one who experiences these feelings from time to time? Do I have underlying issues that haven't been addressed? Or do I really need to make every moment count because our time really will be short?
Only time will tell. And although this post is dramatic, because that's how I feel right now, these feelings don't run my life or even lower the quality of it. But they scare me when they happen. They scare me in a big way. I try to appreciate the time we have together in case it is cut short. I try to live with no regrets. I try to love fiercely. But it would sure help put me at ease to know if anyone else ever feels this way.
Am I the only one?