I think as we graduate high school and mature into adults we start planning out our lives for the future like we have total control over it. We tell ourselves we want to be married to a certain kind of person by a certain age. We decide how many kids we want and tell ourselves they'll be a certain amount of years apart. Now that Kennedy is one, I've started having anxiety about having another one. I keep thinking it's time to start trying. But I get upset because I'm not ready and there are things in the future that I have coming up that I DO NOT want to be pregnant for. How on earth am I going to do them and have kids so fast? GAH!! And then I realized, I was being very, very stupid.
Deciding when to have kids is one of life's cruel jokes. Sure, we can choose when to stop birth control or whatever, but that's as far as our control goes. There are so many unknowns after that point that it's almost mean. In fact, for some people, it is mean. I've always felt like it was a requirement to have kids fast and close together. But we can't guarantee that. We have no control over what happens.
If we had full control over when to have kids, I'd probably just be getting pregnant with Kennedy now. My friends struggling with infertility would have several perfect babies by now. No one would ever have to guess when it's going to happen or go months or years with heartache and pain waiting for it. On the flip side, no one would ever be surprised with an unplanned pregnancy that happens when the timing couldn't seem to be any worse. But these things do happen. We really don't have control over it. It's all on the Lord time and we each have something to learn from it.
We were told it was time for Kennedy when we least expected it. Was I ready? HECK NO! Am I grateful we had her though? Every single day. I am always amazed at how perfect the timing was. I couldn't have planned it that perfectly. Not a chance. We may not be able to see into the future and know how everything is going to fit into place but the Lord can and He knows what will work out best for us and what we need to learn.
I've been stressing about when we need to start trying for #2 and I realize that's insane. Baby #2 will come when it's time, if there even is a baby #2. Kennedy could easily be the only child we're able to have. I kept being made to feel like it was so taboo to have your kids older than 2 years apart; like there was something wrong with you if you have a bigger gap than that. But seriously, what does it matter?? It might even be easier if they're farther apart. It's not like our kids will stop being our responsibility when they turn 18 and Cory and I can travel the world as 50 year old's free of worry and cares. Our kids will be ours forever. What if they never get married? What if they have a disability and need to live with us forever? What if they have financial struggles when they're married and need to move in with us? They'll never stop being our responsibility. It doesn't matter how fast we have them, they'll always be in our lives. I will never stop being a mom. And I never want to. Kids aren't an obligation, they're a blessing.
Yes, I agree being pregnant and having a newborn are not fun in the slightest so I envy those that are brave enough to get all that done fast. I really do. I wish I had the guts to just dive in. But because it works for one person doesn't mean it works for everyone. Some people are just longing to be pregnant. So, I've decided to not stress about it. I'll pick a time to stop birth control and the Lord can run the show from there. He may even tell me an earlier time, or later. Who knows. The point is, I need to trust in his judgment and not worry about what everyone else is doing or saying. I need to count our blessings and take our life in the direction that works for us. It is beyond my control. But, if I have to hand the reigns over to someone, I'm very glad it's God. Even though life gets difficult and and doesn't make sense, I try and remind myself that He truly knows what He's doing and if I trust Him and keep doing the right things so He can guide me, that it'll all work out how it's supposed to. What a great feeling. So future babies, you'll come when you come and I'll love you just the same whether I'm 29 or 39. I'll just grateful to have you.