5.17.2012

Feeling A Little Lost

This post doesn't have much of a purpose except for getting my feelings out.

Tonight is another night that I'm asking myself, "Do I really have what it takes to be a mother?"

Yep, I'm having a rough time. I think it's because Kennedy is finally starting to become challenging and it's wearing on me. Each new stage comes with new challenges and obstacles to overcome and it takes adjusting again. My patience is tried every single day and on certain days, I feel swallowed up by the task of motherhood.

Some people are perfectly ok with embracing motherhood. They love every second of it and don't mind just simply being a mom. They don't care to be classified as anything else. They live and breathe this job. This is absolutely not a bad thing. Not in the slightest. But it simply isn't for everyone. Lately, I've been struggling with balancing my life as a mother and still being me and doing things outside the box - things that make me who I am. I can't just be Megan: the Mom. I need to get out and have fun and still contribute to society. Please don't misinterpret this as a statement against being a mom. I love being a mom and I wouldn't trade Kennedy for the world. I love her more than words can describe. But I need some time to be me. Plus, not everything about motherhood is sunshine and rainbows. It's flipping hard work.

I'm really struggling to put into words exactly how I'm feeling. As I've mentioned before, sometimes I feel like I'm giving up who I am. I think I get so freaked out about having more kids because with more kids comes more work and the likelihood of staying me and staying sane seems impossible. I need my time to laugh with friends, spend quality time with Cory, go camping, climbing, running, swimming, see movies, stay out late, and load the freaking dish washer without having to stand on one leg because the other is barricading Kennedy from unloading whatever I just put in 2 seconds earlier. Sure these things are possible with Ms. K, but they're a billion times harder and I have to worry about her the whole time. My whole day revolves around her. I have to squeeze in jobs in between what she does. I have to vacuum before she naps, go to the store between nap time and lunch time, make dinner while she's occupied... It gets OLD!! And it's normal for every parent and it's not going to get any better. But that doesn't mean I can't vent about it and get annoyed every once in a while. I can't love every second of this job. I'm not cut out for that. I just need some sort of tactic to get me through these hard times. And more than anything, I need a break every once and a while. Very rarely do I get that, and it shows.

Although my day is crammed with stress and hard things, Kennedy is worth it. There are amazing moments. We do laugh together. I love watching her learn new things, dance to music, pull funny faces, and I love the good times we get together. It just seems like the bad is outweighing the good these last few weeks. I know it's temporary and I know I can get through it. I just wish I had a way to make it easier on me mentally. I love my little squish and I hate feeling like a bad mother because I don't always think happy thoughts. I'm ready for this trial to be over and for my sweet, happy, content baby to return. If nothing else, at least I'm growing some balls and getting better at letting her cry and not cracking after a few minutes. I can't teach her that crying will always get what she wants. Maybe that's what this hard time has been for, a thicker skin. Heaven knows I could use it. I'm a big old softy.

At the end of the day, no matter how sucky it may be, I'm always glad I made the choice to be a parent and a stay at home mom. I'm always happy to have Kennedy and although I joke about selling her or running away, I absolutely never would. This is my life now. This is how it's been for almost a year. And with each new year I'm sure I'll find myself in this same position, reevaluating my life and trying to make everything work so we're both happy and at peace. There's plenty to learn and I just hope I can get it all down quicker each time and not flip out so often. And if nothing else, as least I'll be more prepared for her siblings. But for now I'll just keep pushing through the day and keep trying to figure out what works for us. That's the only way to do it.

1 comment:

Liv said...

I know this feeling all too well. My postpartum lasted almost 2 years. Every day I felt like I'd made a huge mistake becoming a mother, even though I love Aspen so much.

I still don't know if I can emotionally have another baby, as much as I'd love to give Aspen a sibling someday.