This is the last of four updates so keep reading :)
Here's a news flash: motherhood is HARD!! Surprised? Yeah, me either. My dear friends blog put things in perspective for me this morning a little bit. I'm very lucky to have Kennedy and I would NEVER wish for life without her. There has never been a moment since she was born that I haven't loved her. But last night I had one of those major breakdowns where you wonder what this is all for and if the hard parts will ever end? I obviously know they will but the thing that scares me is once she's outgrown this stage, it'll be time to have another one and start all over again!! And overall she's been a really good baby and I know they all won't be as good as her so... yeah...
Ever since Moab Kennedy hasn't been sleeping as well. She won't go down without a fight and won't stop screaming unless we hold her until she falls asleep. Sometimes she'll wake up in the middle of the night and do the same thing. It's been frustrating and has caused some nights with little sleep. Not to mention it breaks my heart. Plus, I don't want to teach her that all she has to do is cry and we'll come hold her. I hold out as long as I can stand but it's so hard!! Last night was a breaking point. I shut myself in our dark walk-in closet when she started screaming and just bawled. Cory went in to help her and when she fell asleep he went looking for me and finally found me (I don't understand why he didn't think to look in the closet... duh! ;)) and I unloaded on him. He listened but didn't know what to say because it doesn't affect him the same way. I think all men are the same that way. So, I reached out to other mom's to make sure having these meltdown moments is normal. Thank heavens I'm not alone!! I was worried that if I kept having these days I was going to have to see someone because it wasn't normal to crack once in a while.
Let me be clear, I don't ever wish I wasn't a mom. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose myself and who I am with how much this takes out of me. There are days where I am so busy trying to comfort her and keep her happy that I can't even remember if I've eaten lunch. I have to worry about nap time, feeding time, story time, bath time, play time, quiet time... it takes up my whole day! I know, DUH MEGAN!! I'm not writing this to teach anyone what motherhood is like. Most of you already know and probably have even worse stories to share. My point is, it's hard sometimes and it's exhausting!! I love Kennedy so much it makes me hurt and I'd never trade her for anything. I just hope all this effort will be worth something. And by that, I mean I hope she turns out ok and knows that she's loved. I hope I'm setting a good example for when she becomes a mother. I hope she makes the best choices and loves and serves those around her. I hope she's always happy. AND I hope I can continue to enjoy some of the things I love and have some time to be me so I don't lose my mind. Not every day is difficult and even though we have to face all this again with future children, even that won't last forever. I just need to keep telling myself that. She's worth every moment; some moments are just harder on me than others.