I don't even know how to describe the last 24 hours. They've been truly awful. Yesterday Kennedy woke up coughing and her nose was runny. She was fussy and cranky and felt warm so I gave her some Tylenol and she acted fine for almost the rest of the day. By the time Cory got home, she was back to coughing and crying and she looked miserable. You could tell she was not feeling well in the slightest. We put her to bed at 7:30 in hopes that she'd get a little more sleep. Well, she didn't. Long story short, she would doze off and 5 minutes later she'd start crying and nothing I did helped. I couldn't get her to sleep. Her coughing got worse and with the crying, she was struggling to breathe. Her fever got really, really bad around midnight so I gave her some more Tylenol but it didn't help. Finally at 1:30 a.m., after no sleep from either of us, my worrying got the best of me and we got in the car and headed to urgent care. I told Cory to stay home because he needed to sleep because he had work today. Anyway, urgent care closes at 10 p.m. so I called Grow Up Great Pediatrics to talk to the on-call pediatrician. As I was talking to the receptionist, I'd already pulled into the emergency room parking lot and just told her I was going to head there because someone needed to see her. She was beyond miserable and very tired.
We were in the ER till 3:45 while they ran tests and defiled my poor baby in just about every way possible. I wish I had let Cory come because trying to keep it together being as tired as I was and watching her scream and cry through it all was painful. They took a rectal temperature and had to insert a catheter to get a urine sample. She had a high fever but her oxygen levels were fine. She has a nasal infection, her throat was swollen, and she has crud in her lungs. They gave her ibuprofen for the fever and that worked way better than Tylenol. They also gave her something for the swelling so she could breathe. They ordered a chest x-ray as well since her cough was so bad. That was the hardest part. Since she's so small, they had to cram her in a plexiglass tube with her arms pinned against her head. She couldn't see me and I had no way to comfort her. She hated every second of it. Anyway, one large co-pay and two hours later, they told me she had a virus that really could be anything (just a cold, influenza, RSV) and to watch her breathing and have her take ibuprofen for the pain and fever. I was relieved to know something wasn't horribly wrong. She would not sleep and wouldn't lay down without screaming so I was scared she had an ear infection. But I was also annoyed and somewhat angry with myself that I panicked that bad. But really, how are you supposed to know? She had all the symptoms they tell you to go in for and she was out of her mind in misery. I guess I did what I had to do. She's never been that sick before.
We finally made it home at about 4:00 and tried to sleep. I kept her with me in our bed for about a half hour until she started crying again. Then I put her in her crib and she continued to wake up every once in a while and cry and she finally decided to wake up at 7:30. Needless to say, we are extremely exhausted. And to make matters worse, she won't sleep today unless I'm holding her.
This is all part of motherhood and I think everyone has a relatable story. These situations really suck as they are but what's been really hard for me today is how much she's needed me. She's wanted to be held almost all day. It's both broken my heart and made me feel like a super-hero simultaneously. It makes me so sad that she's feeling so crappy and so tired that the only thing that makes her feel comforted is her mommy holding her. It kills me to watch her be so sad and miserable. But it also makes me feel amazing that she loves me enough to want to be with me. I can't describe how awesome it is to have my presence be healing to her. I wish I wasn't so dang tired so I could enjoy this a little more and not be so emotional. Nothing is worse than watching your baby go through pain and misery and knowing there's not much you can do. It's taken it's toll on me. She's been sick and sad before but not even close to it being this bad. I know it'll pass and she will get better and eventually we'll get sleep again. It's these moments that make parenthood so hard and yet so rewarding. I'd take her place in a second if I could. But instead I'll just focus on helping her feel better. She needs me.