12.27.2011

Momma's Girl

I'm obsessed with my mom. Growing up, I never had a constant best friend my age that I always confided in or that I did everything with. I had friends, but we were all changing too often for us to remain super close. Instead, I had my mom. She understood me like no one else could, until Cory came along. I always went to her, told her everything, vented to her... etc. I'm her exact replica, basically. We like the same things, get annoyed at the same stuff, and appreciate the same kinds of people. When I went away to college I had the HARDEST time the first month or so. I'd call her every night and cry and beg to come home because I missed her so much. Everything seemed so much easier with her around and suddenly I didn't have her to take away my troubles by playing with my hair. I learned to be comfortable with only having telephone access to reach her. Even now, I still call her constantly. If something funny happens, I call my mom. If someone has hurt me or annoyed me, I call my mom for advice. If I'm bored, I call my mom. If I sneeze, I call my mom. Ok, not really. But too often, something will happen and my phone will already be dialing my mom before I've even consciously made the decision to call her about it. She's still my best friend, along with Cory now. I don't think many people understand how close our relationship is. But getting right down to it, I'd be very, very lost without my mom. I love her dearly and I have her to thank for many things in my life and for always being hands down, the best mom ever. She set quite a standard. I have big shoes to fill.

That being said, now I'm the mom. Now I have a daughter who clearly loves me and I'm scared to death of messing that up. I want to be the kind of mom that my mother was to me. I want her to trust me, confide in me, want to be around me all the time, and love me regardless of my mistakes. I hope I can accomplish these things. I can't imagine a life without a mom. It pains me to hear stories of children who have grown up without the loving embrace of their mothers. It happens and I know those children will be greatly rewarded in heaven. They're stronger than I am. We've recently been discussing our will, and what will happen to Kennedy and our future children if Cory and I happened to die. It's a horrible topic, but one we must all face - the "what if". Every time it's brought up, I think about Kennedy growing up with her mother - without me -  and I get sick. I always cry because if we died right now, she wouldn't remember us. I know she would in heaven but that's not a thought I can live with right now. I hope that by always having and always showing her (and other children we may have) my unconditional love for her, we'll have that close bond that I have with my mom. It's insane how much I love Kennedy. If you're a mother, you get it. If not, I hope you get to experience this incredible blessing for yourself. Nothing will ever sway my love for my kids. Kennedy is my life now and it's better than it's ever been. I'm counting on us growing closer as she gets older. Some day she'll be grown up and will have kids of her own. I hope I can set a great example of motherhood for her, like my mom did for me.

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