7.20.2010

Reflection of Thoughts

I was doing really well on building up my self-esteem and not caring what other people thought or looked like. Then we went to Jackson and it was so carefree, I almost forgot all about it. I've noticed that since I lost my focus, it's been harder again. It was also a really stressful weekend and some things that happened made me feel like crap. Not physically, but I felt like a worthless person. I look around me and watch people and it seems like all I see is insecurity. People are constantly needing to be validated from others in order to feel good about themselves. And it never matters what other people say. If you have your mind set that you're not good enough, you never will be. No matter what. I hate that feeling. I hate the blanket of obsessing over perfection that the world has put on us. I hate that 99.9% of the female race is unhappy with how they look, is constantly comparing themselves to others, or is going to extreme measures to be skin and bones. I hate that we as a whole are taught to be embarrassed and ridiculed for having a body fat percentage over 5. It's so obvious to me when people are insecure about how they look. You can see it in their actions, words, and even their pictures! How many of us filter our pictures and only put up the ones where we look "skinny"? I've been guilty of that in the past. That's one area where I've really tried to change. No more face shots, it's all body. I am who I am and there's no point in trying to hide it or deny otherwise. I have no reason to be ashamed. But we do it because of what goes on around us. We're so scared of what people might say. Why does it matter what they say? I'm guilty of gossip in my life, for sure, so don't think I'm innocent in this, but one thing I've noticed about gossip - especially judgmental gossip - is that it only happens when people are unhappy about themselves. They're trying to point the finger at others to hide what's going on with them. People say and think hurtful things just to try and make themselves feel better and it NEVER works. Ever.

There's so much I don't understand about people and their way of thinking. I can't comprehend how we all got here. Why do numbers matter? Why does weight or pant size have to drive us to insanity? Obviously, we have tv "role models" like this crammed down our throats:

Yes, they look amazing. Yes, we'd all love to look like that. But is it really worth all the trouble and obsessions and insecurity to look just like that? Why can't we be almost like that? Why does it matter that there's people out there who look better than us? Can't we be ok with ourselves regardless? I'm just so frustrated with the media and the messages that are destroying the lives and souls of everyone around me. I noticed it ruining me, and I'm determined to stop it. But it's still so frustrating to see the rest of the world obsess over perfection. That's the part that makes me think, "Well, if they think they look bad, then what do they think I look like?" That's the part that I don't want to matter anymore. I don't want to give a second thought to what other people think. I want to only care about my thoughts and how I feel about myself. I'm athletic, I'm active, I'm fun, and I'm not perfect. I don't need to be to be happy with who I am. My whole life I've lacked confidence. I've let other people get to me and I'm SICK OF IT!! I won't let it get me down anymore. I'm me. There's no one else like me. There's no one else like Kristin Cavallari or Jillian Michaels. So why are we trying to look like them? I'm going to be the best version of me that I can be. And I'm going to be happy with imperfection.

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

I may have said it before, but I will say it again. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is completely comfortable and confident with who they are. Period. :)

Baxters said...

I saw you today and you looked fantastic!