I'm undergoing quite a huge task right now. After melting down on my parents and Collin the other night about my self-esteem and being sick of feeling inferior to the point that I broke, I vowed to fix the problem.
I've always been SOOOO hard on myself. I let how I feel about my outward appearance depend on who I'm around. Some days I feel great, others I want to crawl into a dark hole and take diet pills. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired of going swimming and being embarrassed about my body because someone skinnier than me is there. Does that mean I'm gross? Logically, no! But I've always told myself yes. Why do I even care? What's the big deal? Here's where I think it all has stemmed from other the years:
In Jr. High and high school my friends and I were pretty harsh on each other. I remember being called fat once or twice. We'd also looked at fashion magazines and seeing those horribly skinny girls put a standard in our heads that some of us are trying desperately hard to reach even now. It was always the "pretty", "high maintenance" girls that got the boys in school. I always felt ugly and huge and despised myself for it.
After the hell hole that is Jr. high and high school I went to college and had boy friends who were great, and some who were not so great. Being told "You need to go to the gym," or "It wouldn't take much for you to look that hot," or "I usually go for skinny girls, so consider yourself lucky" are not exactly uplifting words. It wasn't until then that I really started critiquing others and began wishing I looked like them. I wanted to be someone else so I could be "hot". I hated who I was. That's part of the reason I got so depressed.
So now that I've discovered where the problem came from, how do I fix it? I can't go back in time. I decided I need to just forget the jerks of the past and start fresh. But where? How the crap do I begin?
My first thought was, "Well, step up your workouts. Start eating less and see what happens." What a crazy thought! I want to change my attitude, not how I look. I've had people tell me over and over again that I look great. I just need to believe it myself. Starving myself and giving up foods I love in life and becoming way skinny wouldn't help. It wouldn't change a blasted thing. Why? Because my mind would still be poisoned on the inside. I'd still be insecure and feel inferior. It wouldn't matter what I looked like, I'd still hate it. Changing my appearance isn't the answer. I need to change how I think. I need to love me, no matter how I look. So, how do I do THAT?
I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and tried to find things I like about myself, or at least things that I can begin to like more and more. Here's what I came up with:
1. I've always loved my blue eyes and long eyelashes. It's what caught Cory's attention in the first place.
2. I like my hair when it's long. I'm no model, so I don't know fancy-shmancy ways of doing it, but that's not me. I don't like taking long on my hair generally.
3. My skin tans. Not a huge accomplishment, but I'm glad I have the kind of skin where I can be out in the sun and not have to worry about blisters.
4. As I was looking I recalled a birthday card from some of my guy friends from Logan that said I had a "wicked hour-glass shape." Yes, I was blessed with hips. Although they prevent me from ever wearing a size 2, They give me shape and beauty. I'll have to keep convincing myself of that one.
5. I am an athletic person, and I look athletic.
That's all I've come up with so far. This is going to be really hard. I also became aware that although my vices are on outward appearances, I should still focus on what I love about me on the inside. I love who I am and what I do with my life. I'm not perfect, but there are many things I love about who I am inside. I want to focus on those too so they can help me be more confident and not care about the outward me. Size shouldn't matter. It does to the whole world around me. EVERYONE makes it a priority. In fact, at Lagoon the other day, some 13 year old girls in line behind us were talking about how much they hate their thighs and legs. They were 13!!! They were toothpicks! But, they made that a priority! I'm not saying no one should care and we should all get fat. Our health is still something we should care about. But, obsessing over losing 10 pounds, or starving yourself to get from a size 8 to a size 4 isn't healthy either. It DOESN'T MATTER. That's what I'm going to focus on this week. Telling myself it doesn't matter what others look like or think I should look like. All that matters is how I feel about myself. The quest has begun. Sooner or later, I'm going to love me and not hate what I see in the mirror everyday. Bring on the confidence!