I Can't Believe It

I have officially become a blogging nightmare. I'm so sorry world. I was reading the Ensign last night about not wasting so much time on the internet... I think Cory and I are both guilty of that. Me especially, when he's at work. So, besides blogging, which for me takes about 10 minutes, I'm going to limit my time online. I want to post about the fun things I've done, what I'm learning, how we are, and such and such. We have family and friends far and wide who want to know these things. I'll just try to make them more relevant and less...lame.

I did just notice something that literally made my stomach hurt that I wanted to talk about real quick as kind of a mile marker in my self-esteem progress. I was on facebook and noticed a friend of a friend who was SO PRETTY!!! I'm talking, gorgeous. I clicked on her name because she looked familiar (turns out she's from around here and was in my singles ward... who knew?) and she had a link to her blog. Like any bored person, I clicked on it and was punched in the stomach by what I read. This girl is beautiful. But all her posts were about how much she hates herself and how much weight she's lost and how much more she needs to go. She's about my height I'd guess and weighs 127 and says that's not good enough. I was blown away at how destructive this girl is to herself. It made me hurt that a child of God that gorgeous would hate what she's been blessed with. It made me realize what I put Cory and others through when I'm hard on myself. I'm not as harsh as she is, nor as stunning, but my complaints have the same effect on people. I also confirmed that no matter how "skinny" I were to become to fix the problem, it would never go away. There would always be someone skinnier to make me feel like crap. It wouldn't be good enough. I don't want to be like that. I never want to get as bad as that girl. I never want to obsess over numbers or perfection. I've only been at this liking myself thing for a week and a half and I've noticed a huge difference already. I'm actually starting to like who I am on the outside. I feel more confident and happy. And I'm caring less and less what others look like. I wish I could talk to that girl about what she's doing to herself and how it'll never end. But I guess like me, she needs to figure it out on her own. We all do. I'm just glad I'm finally starting to see the light.


The Last Two Days

Wow. What a summer so far!! It sucks not being able to have every single day with Cory. But man, we play so hard when he isn't working, I need those 4 days he does work to recover. Let me give you an example of the past two days:


We went to Lagoon - a - Beach and played around until about 3:00. Sun, swimming, climbing stairs, heat, and lots of fun.

We came home, showered, and packed our gear for an overnight backpacking/climbing trip.

Although we didn't go that far, we then set off at about 6 pm to go climb and camp. Hauling a 40lb pack around wasn't as hard as I expected, but it was still tiring. Where we were going, you can't drive to so we had to haul everything with us... including very heavy climbing gear.

About 7 we began climbing and continued until dark. We had dinner, set up camp, built a fire pit, found and chopped up wood, and fought off ants and spiders all night long. We also had to pitch our tent on a spot of concrete, and crammed Cory, Nate, and I into a very small backpacking tent. Needless to say, we did not get a good nights rest.


I woke up with the light, at probably about 6:30 am. I laid there until about 8:00 when the boys woke up. Finally :) We made breakfast, packed up camp, and climbed again.

Came home, had a nap, then went swimming for over an hour. More heat, sun, swimming, and fun.

Those were just the past two days. I'm very, very tired. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Our first backpacking trip was so fun. I can't wait to go for more than one night, and walk much farther.

I'm not usually this diligent of a blogger, but as long as the crazy fun continues, so will the posts. Enjoy!


Because I Don't Want to Post Tomorrow...

2 years ago to this day, my last name was still McLachlan. 2 years ago I was working, and everyone thought I was crazy because I was getting married tomorrow. 2 years ago, I was so excited, I couldn't sleep. 2 years ago (tomorrow) I married the perfect man for me.
People always laugh when I say this, but I can't believe it's only been 2 years. I feel like I've known Cory forever, so when we put it into a time perspective, it seems so short. But we have forever left to spend with each other, so I won't complain too much.

I've become less of a baby when Cory's working after 2 years. That's all it took. Cory knows how to put up with me better, not that he sucked at it in the first place. He is so confident now that he's the main provider for us. I know he loves it. The other day I asked him for money to go clothes shopping and he said, "Sure!" How awesome is that?? We've learned to fight over the covers without totally waking up. We can go swimming and I can keep up with him instead of just splashing around for a bit then getting out. We spend countless hours watching The Simpson's together, and love every minute of it. Our favorite thing to do is attend the temple together. What a wonderful feeling!! I'm so glad I truly married my best friend and someone who's so wonderful.

We don't have any big plans to celebrate. I think Cory was expecting me to want to go somewhere fancy for dinner but I actually requested to go to the Pie since I've never been there. We'll probably go to a movie or something after. We have the most fun doing low key things anyway. Why spend a hundred bucks? Besides, we'll have our anniversary celebration in Hawaii in Dec! :) I can't wait!!!

Cory, I love you so much. Thanks for being my knight in shining armor and constantly saving me from myself.


The Quest

I'm undergoing quite a huge task right now. After melting down on my parents and Collin the other night about my self-esteem and being sick of feeling inferior to the point that I broke, I vowed to fix the problem.

I've always been SOOOO hard on myself. I let how I feel about my outward appearance depend on who I'm around. Some days I feel great, others I want to crawl into a dark hole and take diet pills. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired of going swimming and being embarrassed about my body because someone skinnier than me is there. Does that mean I'm gross? Logically, no! But I've always told myself yes. Why do I even care? What's the big deal? Here's where I think it all has stemmed from other the years:

In Jr. High and high school my friends and I were pretty harsh on each other. I remember being called fat once or twice. We'd also looked at fashion magazines and seeing those horribly skinny girls put a standard in our heads that some of us are trying desperately hard to reach even now. It was always the "pretty", "high maintenance" girls that got the boys in school. I always felt ugly and huge and despised myself for it.

After the hell hole that is Jr. high and high school I went to college and had boy friends who were great, and some who were not so great. Being told "You need to go to the gym," or "It wouldn't take much for you to look that hot," or "I usually go for skinny girls, so consider yourself lucky" are not exactly uplifting words. It wasn't until then that I really started critiquing others and began wishing I looked like them. I wanted to be someone else so I could be "hot". I hated who I was. That's part of the reason I got so depressed.

So now that I've discovered where the problem came from, how do I fix it? I can't go back in time. I decided I need to just forget the jerks of the past and start fresh. But where? How the crap do I begin?

My first thought was, "Well, step up your workouts. Start eating less and see what happens." What a crazy thought! I want to change my attitude, not how I look. I've had people tell me over and over again that I look great. I just need to believe it myself. Starving myself and giving up foods I love in life and becoming way skinny wouldn't help. It wouldn't change a blasted thing. Why? Because my mind would still be poisoned on the inside. I'd still be insecure and feel inferior. It wouldn't matter what I looked like, I'd still hate it. Changing my appearance isn't the answer. I need to change how I think. I need to love me, no matter how I look. So, how do I do THAT?

I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and tried to find things I like about myself, or at least things that I can begin to like more and more. Here's what I came up with:
1. I've always loved my blue eyes and long eyelashes. It's what caught Cory's attention in the first place.
2. I like my hair when it's long. I'm no model, so I don't know fancy-shmancy ways of doing it, but that's not me. I don't like taking long on my hair generally.
3. My skin tans. Not a huge accomplishment, but I'm glad I have the kind of skin where I can be out in the sun and not have to worry about blisters.
4. As I was looking I recalled a birthday card from some of my guy friends from Logan that said I had a "wicked hour-glass shape." Yes, I was blessed with hips. Although they prevent me from ever wearing a size 2, They give me shape and beauty. I'll have to keep convincing myself of that one.
5. I am an athletic person, and I look athletic.

That's all I've come up with so far. This is going to be really hard. I also became aware that although my vices are on outward appearances, I should still focus on what I love about me on the inside. I love who I am and what I do with my life. I'm not perfect, but there are many things I love about who I am inside. I want to focus on those too so they can help me be more confident and not care about the outward me. Size shouldn't matter. It does to the whole world around me. EVERYONE makes it a priority. In fact, at Lagoon the other day, some 13 year old girls in line behind us were talking about how much they hate their thighs and legs. They were 13!!! They were toothpicks! But, they made that a priority! I'm not saying no one should care and we should all get fat. Our health is still something we should care about. But, obsessing over losing 10 pounds, or starving yourself to get from a size 8 to a size 4 isn't healthy either. It DOESN'T MATTER. That's what I'm going to focus on this week. Telling myself it doesn't matter what others look like or think I should look like. All that matters is how I feel about myself. The quest has begun. Sooner or later, I'm going to love me and not hate what I see in the mirror everyday. Bring on the confidence!


Work Hard, Play Hard

We played WAY too hard this weekend. I put up pictures from Friday already, which was a lot of fun. Saturday was even more fun and even more busy. I was up at 6 am and ran 9 miles to start the day. Then, the next step was getting the Jetta registered. We have to go to the DMV tomorrow to get this years registration, but after that, the Jetta will be back in commission... pray for Cory. Then, Nate came over and we were off to go rock climbing. I was already pretty tired so I couldn't get as high as usual. I just let Nate and Cory play around most of the time. They both did really well, of course. After climbing we decided to go swimming. Following swimming we went to our friend Laura's house for another campfire with hot dogs and marshmallows. By this point, I was completely exhausted. I can't remember the last time I was that tired. We had a great time though. Cory and Nate provided hilarious entertainment. I can't describe it here though without it sounding totally crazy. It was such a fun day though... here are pictures. I'll write more below:
We knew we overdid it because this morning we both couldn't wake up. We were late for church and found out we missed the bishop releasing us from primary. That's right, we're not in primary anymore. We kind of sad, yet happy to be able to be with adults and get to know people in the ward. We're going to miss the kids though.

It was such a great weekend. Can't wait to see what we have in store next! Now, time for a nap.


Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!!!

Cory came home Wednesday night and informed me that they put him on a crew, which means he is now starting his 4 days on, 4 days off schedule. I was conflicted because there goes 12 hours a week of overtime. However, I now get a husband to play with more than just every Saturday. I'd rather have him than his money. Also, he can still do overtime if he wants. Which he will from time to time. Right now, we want to live this summer up. Anyway, Friday he had off so we went out to have some fun. He and I took a girl from my class to Lagoon. We had so much fun! She's now tall enough for all the rides. She had never been on Jet Star 2 or the Rocket and asked to go on both. Asked. 9 years old. I was so freaking proud of her for going on all the rides. She's fearless!! It's no wonder we have so much fun when we go. Can't wait to go again! We dropped her off because we had plans. Those plans fell through so we decided to go up the canyon together and roast hot dogs and marshmallows. It was so nice to sit in the quiet woods and be alone. We had a great time too. But why should I tell you about it, when I can show you in pictures??

We were really excited to eat!

We got the hot dogs on the fire as soon as we could
And crammed them in our faces even faster
And made a mess while doing it
Turns out, we weren't the only ones there to have a good time...
But regardless, we moved on to the s'mores with the JUMBO marshmallows!!
Them suckers were enormous! But first, Cory had to fan get the fire going
Then we were ready for rotisserie sugar. The s'mores were exceptionally messy because of the mammoth mallows. Seriously, buy the smaller ones.
  But they were still good and we had a great time.
The end.

We're going climbing again today. Stay tuned for more pics. I'll try to take rad ones today.


From Dream to Reality

Last night I had quite the nightmare. I dreamed that Cory and I were living with my parents in their house. (Don't worry Mom, that's not the nightmare part...) and a bunch of weird women moved into the house next to us. One night, they lit a fire in the yard and started dancing around wearing black, pointing at our house, and shouting weird things in a language that sounded scary. We were trying to spy on them but every time we'd peek through the blinds, they'd see us. Or, the lights in our house would randomly turn on. Anyway, they were witches and they had just summoned the Devil to posses our house. Awesome. So, I was making talapia for dinner (I only remember that because this random recipe idea came to me in the dream that sounded wonderful. I might actually have to try it) and I was out of some of the ingredients. I bought them, but accidentally left them in the car. I sent Cory out to get them, but he didn't come back. After about 10 minutes, Lisa ran in and told me he had found where the Devil was... in the car. He was paralyzed with fear and was in danger of being possessed himself. I ran out there, and was also struck with fear. Lisa shouted from the window, "It's like that guy on Fabelhaven that paralyzes you with fear! You need to keep moving and get rid of him, just like Seth kept going and pulled out the nail!" ( I know, that part sounds funny, but in my dream, and possibly in real life, I really was sick with fear). I knew Cory was in danger so I ran towards the car, threw it open and stabbed with all my might (with a knife that magically appeared) at what was the Devil, but in my dream it really looked like a plastic bag. Maybe the Devil was inside of it... anyhow, I got him to leave and saved Cory. We went back into the house with my family, locked the doors, covered all the windows and decided what to do.

At that moment, the witches started having another seance and allowed the Devil to enter into our house again. We were all terrified at what would happen. He kept moving around in the house so you never knew where he was; the only way to know was you'd feel that sickening fear and wouldn't be able to move. Keep in mind, I was actually feeling this. We were all huddled in the living room when all the sudden the cat started to talk to the Devil. He was possessing the cat. Laugh all you like, I would too, but we didn't know what to do. Anyway, at this point, I finally woke up in a panicked sweat and frozen to my bed with my heart pounding. I was so scared!! As soon as I got my surroundings and realized it was a dream and I was safe in my own home, I almost screamed to myself, "Why didn't we just cast him out with the priesthood?!"

It was then that I laughed at myself because it wasn't real. But had it been, I was so glad that I knew what to do, and that all the male members of my family are worthy priesthood holders and that they could do that if needed. As soon as I thought that, the scared feeling went away and I was filled with such joy and love. I know the dream sounds comical, but to me it was terrifying, and I was so grateful for my testimony of the priesthood and that in less than a minutes time, it helped that feeling going away.

I keep telling Cory that we must have something big coming up in our lives that Christ is preparing us for, because Satan is also trying to tare us down. It's scary, but I've felt Satan's influences SO STRONG lately. I'll find random thoughts in my head that I know he put there, hoping I'll entertain them. I've been good at pushing them away so far (they're not dirty thoughts, FYI, just thoughts that could be bad to think about). We attended the temple on Saturday and just before we went inside, I felt Satan trying to make me feel unworthy to enter. There's no reason why I should be feeling that way. I've felt him trying so hard, and on so many levels, it can only mean he's trying to stop us from something awesome. The thing I've noticed him trying to destroy the most is our marriage. I don't know how to define this without it sounding like we're having marital problems, because we're not. Let me give you some examples:
~The first couple days that Cory started his 12 hour shifts at Kennecott and I was alone, I handled them really well. All the sudden I had this thought, "I'm doing just fine without Cory, maybe he's not right for me." That thought was from Satan (this is an example of the thoughts he's putting into my mind). I KNOW without a doubt that Cory is my best friend and the perfect man for me. I quickly prayed for that to go away. But, if he's doing that to others and they're believing those thoughts, no wonder the divorce rate is so high.
~ Another example is whenever Cory and I don't see eye to eye on something, or he messes up the house I just cleaned I've been filled with intense anger! I've had to walk away and then talk to him. Thank heavens I've been able to control it, can you imagine the fights we'd have if I didn't? Oh man...

Anyway, I can just feel him trying to tare apart the sacredness of our being sealed together. We're doing all we can to build up our defenses, and we won't stop, because we know the right path to be on. But it's been weird. And a little scary. I just keep thinking of what awesome thing could be coming up that Satan is trying to ruin for us, and that keeps me going. I love Cory with all my heart. We know we made the right decision in marrying one another. We know the gospel is the truth and the only way to be happy. We'll keep building our testimonies and fighting off the influences of Satan. And we'll keep preparing for whatever we have coming in the future that Satan wants to stop so bad. I just hope I don't have anymore dreams where he's in our home. What a terrible feeling.


I'm So In Love!!

Today a bunch of us went climbing again. I really am in love with it! Next month I'm getting my own shoes. And hopefully a more comfortable harness. Enjoy the pictures!!
Here's me:
Hill and I
Shellie, Steph, and I
Nate and his mad skills
He made it to the top!!
I'm off the ground in the picture where I'm belaying.
As always, it was so much fun!! Can't wait to go again!!


First Summer Project

I figured since I'm going to have time on my hands this summer, there are a few things I could start doing. Some of those things are making the bed every morning, doing the dishes each day, keeping the house clean, as well as starting projects that we've been wanting to do but haven't had the time. The first one, the stairs. When we first moved down to the basement, we had 3 days to paint the whole place and get our stuff down here. Needless to say, there were some things we didn't finish. Painting the hallway with the stairs is one of them. So for the last two days, I remedied that. The pictures don't show how awesome it looks, but this is what I did.
The is the "before" picture:
Then I spent hours filling in all the holes, scrapes and gouges with Spackle and then spent even more hours sanding it all down:
Then finally today, I finished it. Doesn't it look so much better??
I have a pretty lengthy list of things I'd like to do to the basement this summer to fix it up a bit. We'll see how much I get done. If anyone is bored and wants to come help, let me know.



Today I finally got to go rock climbing for real!! It was so much fun and I can't wait to go again!! Hopefully next time I'll get more pictures, even though they won't be flattering with a harness on :)
Also, now that I know what to expect, I hope to get even higher without exhausting myself. I knew the climbing part was hard but even belaying is tiring.


Not What I Had In Mind

Today was day one of having a summer without Cory. I decided to go on the first swim of the summer with Hillary and Nate to get a "little sun" . . . This was the end result:
Can you tell which part of my legs have been in the sun so far this year? Lucky that's the worst of it, as far as I can tell. Next time I'll put sunscreen on my legs.