3.07.2009

An Endless Journey

It seems more often than not I sit here and stare at an empty "new post" screen trying to find the right words to write. I'll write something, then erase it. Write and erase. It's hard when I know who will be reading my thoughts and what's going on with our lives. I'm always worried about offending people, sounding self-centered, writing too much that no one cares to read or revealing too much to those that I know read my blog that I'd rather they not. But I guess that is the price to pay for having a public internet site. It seems unfair because a lot of the time I am holding back how I really feel because of what others might think. I do that a lot in my life - but lately it's been something that I'm overcoming. These past couple months have really changed the way I feel about myself. I've mentioned before that I've needed to make some personal changes, which I have been working on. But I've also had a period of self-realization where I feel more keen to stand up for myself and my rights. I have the right to feel angry when someone hurts me. I have the right to express my love to my husband. I have the right to have a bad day. I have the right to have a good day. I have the right to choose my friends. I have the right to be happy.

I find myself feeling guilty for a lot of my emotions and feelings. I've been pondering why, and the only foundation for it that I can find is I'm worried what other people will think. Why do I do this to myself? My whole life I've been concerned about that. Sadly, it hasn't only been with my emotions either. Lots of what I do and think is partly motivated by how others will view it. This has been the basis of my self-esteem problems. I am constantly assuming what people are thinking of me. And 99% of the time, I assume they are thinking horrible things. I have wide hip bones so I automatically assume people will think I'm fat. I have a plain fashion taste so I assume others see me as plain and boring. I'm worried to have a conversation with people who intimidate me because they might think I'm stupid. I'm worried to blog about how I feel because people might read it and laugh at it or gossip about me. And you know what? They probably will. Throughout my life, someone will think I'm fat. Someone will think I'm stupid. Someone will find me plain and boring. People will gossip about me. It happens. But what do I think of myself? How does my family view me? What is really important? These are some things I've been really pondering the last little while. First off, lets put aside that I know my family thinks I can be a brat. I can. And I'm trying to fix that. But overall, they love me. Cory loves me. His family loves me. My Heavenly Father loves me. Do I love me? The most obvious answer to that is no. How can others really love me if I don't? I also believe this is the basis for my negativity as well. I've discovered a lot, in case you can't tell.

So I've been working on loving myself. I realize that sounds bad. I haven't been trying to focus on ME. In fact, I've been trying to focus more on others. Service is the best way to lose your selfishness right? That still is, and forever will be, a work in progress that I hope to keep improving throughout my lifetime. But I've been trying to love who I am, what I am like, what I look like, and how I deal with things. I've been trying to see myself as the Lord views me. This is no easy task. It's been difficult. But I've noticed a difference. I was telling Cory last night I've felt an improvement in my attitude. Work is going so much better, so is school. I feel better about myself. I feel a little more confident. I'm not as afraid to be myself. I have miles left to go, but at least the journey has been started. So why did I blog about this? Because I can. Because this is how I feel. And because for once in my life, I don't care about what people think. This is me. This is Megan. I'm trying to evolve and improve my experience here on earth. And I'm loving it.

3 comments:

Jennifer said...

I love this post Megan! I have felt very similar to you in a lot of ways. I tend to be a people pleaser, and I forget to pay attention to my own feelings quite often. It causes me lots of problems! Lately I've been focusing on letting myself feel how I truly want to feel. Sometimes I find myself feeling really negative about things and unhappy, for example. So when I recognize that happening I try to focus on how I want to feel instead, and then it is easier for me to let go of the negative feelings and replace them with positive ones. It makes me feel really powerful to be able to have more control over my happiness. :) It is still a work in progress for me, but it is exciting to see how far I've come from where I used to be.

Amy said...

Megan - it doesn't sound horrible at all to focus on loving yourself. Ultimately, that's the best way to help others. What you said sounds so familiar to me, so don't think you're the only one. We all go through this and no matter what other people think, I think your fabulous!

Christensens said...

I always love your posts, and this one is great. I really like that you are looking inward. People need that! You have to be happy inside first....anyway you are a great person. I've always looked up to you!