2.10.2009

A Time For Reflection

These past couple days have been really hard. I've found myself feeling guilty for taking Adrianne's death as hard as I have because I'm not family. But, she was one of my best friends. Whenever I had a problem, she was always the first to contact me and find out why and how she could help. I loved her. I've tried to act normal around people and not cry. I've tried to keep going on with life. But I feel guilty when I do. I'm not sure why, it's the best thing I could do right now. But she died 2 days ago and I feel like I'm not mourning if I act normal. I'm not real sure what to do with myself. I also feel guilty because I should have been a better friend to her like she was to me. I understand it's normal for every wrong you've ever done to someone to come back and haunt you when you lose someone. I need to keep telling myself that's normal and I don't need to feel awful for ignoring a text a couple times or for getting into debates with her about onions. This is the time to reflect on how amazing she was and all the good she did.

The first thing that comes to mind is that Adrianne was one of the 2 friends who were there for me during the absolute worst time of my life. I didn't want their help and the manner in which she tried to help just upset me at the time. But now that it's all over, I can see she just wanted me to be happy and she wanted to help in any way she knew how. She was always helping her friends. I can recall countless conversations with her about her friends and how much she loved them and how bad she wanted to help them. She was so loving.

Adrianne and I were roommates for a year and there are SO many memories I will always have of her. I'll never forget going to King's with Kelly and buying horrifying underwear and dressing up like freaks for no particular reason at all. I'll always admire her Guitar Hero skills and will never forget the hours of sleep we missed playing that game. After all, she and I are the original Guitar Playing Rejects. There were hours of laughs and stories and venting. She was a great friend. I remember the apartment we first lived in together was always so outrageously cold because the heater vents in my room didn't work. She lent me a bunch of her favorite blankets to put up on the wall to help hold heat in. We'd always go on McDonald's runs and when I was dirt poor, she'd offer to pay for mine. We both worked at Ensign together and always joked about raiding the parking lot one night and cutting the balloons off the cars and setting them free. I'll be sure to do that one for her next time I'm in Logan.

Adrianne had a fashion sense that I could never understand. I'm not that fashionable. I always thought that if the clothes fit, you should wear them. I never understand how amazing jeans can make you look until I met her. I never realized it was okay to buy a pair of shoes just to match that one dress you have in your closet and only be able to wear them with it. Heck I had no idea what Manolo's were until I met her. She always looked amazing, even in her pj's.

Adrianne was incredibly smart. She actually made me nervous because I'm not a fantastic speller and every time I'd post a blog, I'd worry she'd find mistakes. However, I'm grateful for that because it helped keep me from getting lazy. She was a brilliant writer and could express her emotions in ways I didn't understand sometimes. She had such a gift and I hope she's using it on the other side.

I'm going to miss her like crazy. Like Kelly, I'm going to have a difficult time watching the Office from now on. I used to always text her after every episode and we'd go on and on about that show like it was reality. The day she died I watched the Grammy's in a blur of confusion. Coldplay won an award, I have no idea what, but I felt angry that Chris Martin and the band had no idea one of their biggest fans had died that day. But those feelings are normal. In time, the confusion will die off. The mourning will end and we'll be able to get back to the way things were, but never forgetting her. We'll be able to see Michael Scott or John Krasinski without getting that stabbing pain in our heart or having those tears fall down our cheeks. We'll see those things that remind us of her and have fond, warm memories fill our hearts. The way she touched each of us can continue to touch us even after she's gone. We just need to hold tight to those memories. Adrianne is a unique wonderful person and she'll be waiting for us in the next life when it's our time to go home. I know there will be so many people who will be excited to see her. Adrianne, you're an angel. See you soon!

One Moment

If I could have one moment
To change a thing or two
I'd travel back in time
to before the Lord took you

So many things I'd want to say
But time would be so bare
Within the moments before you left
These things I'd want to share

So many lives you touched and blessed
with just your simple smile
Your gentle words and shining love
helped us feel worthwhile

In just your 23 years
upon this earth, you repleted
more than most of us still living
have sucessfully completed
I
'd tell you of the difference
you made in me, it's true
but most importantly I'd say
just how much I love you

Your frienship meant more to me
than I ever let you know
you affected us all in so many ways
and it hurts to see you go

We know you're in a finer place
Much better off than we
Your living with your Father now
and are smiling happily

If I could have one moment
to tell you something vital
it's that we love you deeply, dear
and we'll see you in a while

If I could have one moment
these words I would supply
so you would know just what you're worth
We love you Annie, goodbye

1 comment:

KG said...

Thank you for this as well. It's OK to act normal and laugh- it helps keep your mind off things. Also, it's what Adrianne would want you to do. :)