2.03.2009

A Huge Slap In The Face

These past few days have been awful. Lots of things have gone wrong or haven't worked out the way they should. I've been pretty fed up and dang grouchy. But today was probably the worst. Today I realized I truly am a "b-word." It was time for math and I walked in my room only to discover another teacher had removed all my meeting board things off the wall and replaced them with their posters. This normally would have just been irritating but today I totally flipped out (much to my embarrassment). The two other first grade instructors were there and since they're my friends I walked out of my room angry and told them what had happened. Their immediate response was "How can I help?" These girls are amazing, honestly. I am so appreciative of how much they have supported me the last couple days since my work load has doubled due to the teacher being sick and I've taken over. They are awesome. After we put things back up again and they left to their classrooms, reality hit me. First off, getting pissed was not the best way to handle that situation - but given the nightmare of a day I've had, I'm going to let that barely make it under the "normal" category because we all snap from time to time. However, then I thought this: Kristie and Becky dropped what they were doing to help me. In fact, they're always willing to help. If it had happened to one of them, what would my reaction have been? I want to say that I'd be as willing to help them, but I don't know what I'd do and that right there is the problem. Of course if they asked, I'd help them in a flash. But can't I be willing to help others without being asked? Can't I look outside of my own needs to see that? I began to cry right in the middle of teaching math and I've had a day of self-loathing ever since. I've become a selfish jerk. To anyone reading this, please don't post comments protesting to make me feel better, it's the truth and odds are everyone already knew that but me. All I focus on is how things effect me and what I do or do not want to do. Have I always been like that? I know I've probably been worse the last little while. For some reason I have been outrageously negative. It's been driving me crazy and I've been praying for help to overcome it, but I'm just bringing myself down with it. It makes my days that much worse. I know a reaction to that is to become more selfish and bratty. I need to do some soul searching and really find out why I'm allowing myself to act like this. This isn't who I am. And even if it was, it's not how I'm supposed to be. To anyone that I've been a brat too, I'm so sorry. I feel like a complete jack-ass. I'm going to do some reflecting and from now on, I hope you will see a better Megan. I just need to get past the hating myself for it stage first - which is also selfish. I'm so sorry friends and family. Things are going to look up. Bare with me.

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