5.07.2008

I'm opting for a change... can I have it now please?

So a lot of you have been asking for a health update. I wish I had one lol. I've been annoying the doctors office for 3 days now. Each time I've called them, the receptionist says she's going to call up to the hospital and call me right back, which of course she never does. Today I finally got an answer though. When they ordered the ultra sound, they said they wanted it of my abdomen and my pelvis. Well of course, they didn't do the pelvic one. So everything for the abdomen came back normal, but I have to go back in on Friday and have another freaking ultra sound done on my pelvis (i.e. reproductive organs). I'm kinda freaking out because if there's nothing wrong with the organs in my tummy, then whatever is causing the pain is a reproductive problem - again. I don't know what it is yet and I shouldn't worry. But I'm starting to think that my patriarchal blessing mentions baring children because its going to be hard to have them. I just have this gut feeling that's the case. Which sucks, for lack of a better word. So that's the health update. I still don't know anything and probably wont until this time next week, then I'm sure my doctor is going to hand me over to my OBGYN for further treatment which is more time. So who knows.

I'm mad about all this. I'm feeling a little betrayed. I get married in just over a month. This is supposed to be a happy time in my life and truthfully it hasn't been. I've been so stressed out about so many things. You know, I kinda live my life with one eye "over my shoulder" so to speak. My whole life, nothing good has happened without some kind of catch. So anytime something good happens, I'm always waiting for the sucker punch. People get after me a lot for thinking this way. "Good things just happen to people Megan, don't think there's always something else waiting for you." But there really is. All my life that's what has happened. Sure enough the crap continues. Yeah, I know its all part of the Lords plan. I know it'll make me stronger. I know all the comforting words people could try and give me now. I know those things. And I'm sure I'll rely on that when I'm done feeling so mad and upset about this. But right now, it's not making it any easier and I'm really really tired of it. I'm a worrier by nature. So telling me not to worry is like asking me to turn my leg inside out. It's really hard! I feel like I haven't even had a chance to get excited about being sealed to my best friend soon. That's all I want to think about right now is the happy stuff. And I am really trying my best to do that. But it's not easy and my brain (and I'm sure Satan to keep me miserable) keeps switching gears on me. I'm just tired of the bad. I want a break for a while. Is that too much to ask???

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