being sick is scary

I've been really struggling with something the past little while. For those of you who don't know, in November of last year I went and had my first "woman doctor" appointment and was diagnosed with low-grade per-cancer cells in my cervix. It came as quite a shock - it was not something I was expecting ever in my life, much less now. It has really changed my outlook on life. I don't know what will come of this. It'll either turn into full-blown cancer or it wont. Only time will tell. But for the past little while I've really been scared about it. I've tried my best to hide it because I know most people will just say "you're going to be fine! You don't need to worry!" Or my personal one from my mom, "stop overreacting."

I actually hadn't thought much about until recently, a woman I work with told us a story at lunch about her friend who at the age of 18, contracted cervical cancer and died in a 4 month time frame. Now of course this scared the CRAP out of me. I was told cervical cancer was the slowest growing form and its the most curable. So since then, I've been having a silent battle in the background with myself about it. Obviously my first fear is dying. Just that thought makes me sick. Not only because I'll miss my family, but I cant imagine leaving Cory... I cant even go into depth about that one without crying so hard I cant breathe.

My second fear is not being able to have children of my own. A very close friend of mine, Marissa had the most beautiful little girl this week. When I went to visit her at the hospital and held her, I had to try very hard not to cry - I kept wondering if I would be able to have some of my own. My patriarchal blessing says "You desired to come to earth and receive a body and to be able to BARE children." That passage gave me so much comfort back when I first found out. But for some reason lately its been almost impossible to have the faith I need to rely on that. I don't know what's going to happen.

I've tried pretty hard to stay healthy and take care of myself. It seems though that I'm not as healthy as I seem. Not only do I have the cervical cancer to worry about, but now there is another problem. For the past month or so I've had a sharp pain in my lower right side of my abdomen. It hasn't gone away like I'd hoped and it's finally gotten so bad I went to see a doctor today. He asked me a bunch of questions and said there are a number of things it could be. So he ordered me an abdominal x-ray as a first step to see what the problem is. If we cant tell from that film, the next step is an ultra-sound. The possible problems don't sound too serious as of yet, but who knows. After my nightmare 6 months ago just thinking I was only getting a normal pap-test and then I get told that, anything is possible. I've kind of prepared myself for the worst. And I'll admit, going from place to place today in the hospital all by myself not knowing whats wrong with me, made me really scared. And I don't care if this makes me sound like a baby, but I really wanted Cory with me. I'm just really scared that there is something horrible going on inside my body. I know I shouldn't think about the worst outcome but its been so hard lately. I hope I'll be okay. I'll keep praying and keep asking for blessings. Its just been a really hard time in my life right now.

1 comment:

Christensens said...

Oh Meg. I'm so sorry. I am not going to pretend that I know how you feel...but please know that I will always be here for you. Anything that I can do, I will. I love ya!