being sick is scary

I've been really struggling with something the past little while. For those of you who don't know, in November of last year I went and had my first "woman doctor" appointment and was diagnosed with low-grade per-cancer cells in my cervix. It came as quite a shock - it was not something I was expecting ever in my life, much less now. It has really changed my outlook on life. I don't know what will come of this. It'll either turn into full-blown cancer or it wont. Only time will tell. But for the past little while I've really been scared about it. I've tried my best to hide it because I know most people will just say "you're going to be fine! You don't need to worry!" Or my personal one from my mom, "stop overreacting."

I actually hadn't thought much about until recently, a woman I work with told us a story at lunch about her friend who at the age of 18, contracted cervical cancer and died in a 4 month time frame. Now of course this scared the CRAP out of me. I was told cervical cancer was the slowest growing form and its the most curable. So since then, I've been having a silent battle in the background with myself about it. Obviously my first fear is dying. Just that thought makes me sick. Not only because I'll miss my family, but I cant imagine leaving Cory... I cant even go into depth about that one without crying so hard I cant breathe.

My second fear is not being able to have children of my own. A very close friend of mine, Marissa had the most beautiful little girl this week. When I went to visit her at the hospital and held her, I had to try very hard not to cry - I kept wondering if I would be able to have some of my own. My patriarchal blessing says "You desired to come to earth and receive a body and to be able to BARE children." That passage gave me so much comfort back when I first found out. But for some reason lately its been almost impossible to have the faith I need to rely on that. I don't know what's going to happen.

I've tried pretty hard to stay healthy and take care of myself. It seems though that I'm not as healthy as I seem. Not only do I have the cervical cancer to worry about, but now there is another problem. For the past month or so I've had a sharp pain in my lower right side of my abdomen. It hasn't gone away like I'd hoped and it's finally gotten so bad I went to see a doctor today. He asked me a bunch of questions and said there are a number of things it could be. So he ordered me an abdominal x-ray as a first step to see what the problem is. If we cant tell from that film, the next step is an ultra-sound. The possible problems don't sound too serious as of yet, but who knows. After my nightmare 6 months ago just thinking I was only getting a normal pap-test and then I get told that, anything is possible. I've kind of prepared myself for the worst. And I'll admit, going from place to place today in the hospital all by myself not knowing whats wrong with me, made me really scared. And I don't care if this makes me sound like a baby, but I really wanted Cory with me. I'm just really scared that there is something horrible going on inside my body. I know I shouldn't think about the worst outcome but its been so hard lately. I hope I'll be okay. I'll keep praying and keep asking for blessings. Its just been a really hard time in my life right now.


I am a genius!!

I've had some issues with my hair and deciding what to do with it for the wedding. My friend Heather does hair and she does an amazing job. I had her do a test run, but when Cory saw it he hated it. So we tried again. This time, Heather put it all up. Cory and I both liked it, my mom didn't. So then we go to Alicia and Andrews wedding and when Alicia walked out of the temple Cory said, "Could you do your hair like that?" Which translated means = I liked your hair before but this is better. So I decided to just try it on my own. And wow! I'm better at hair than I thought! Just kidding. But it did turn out pretty good so I think we'll stick with this from now on. Hopefully I can do the same thing twice...


Today was awesome!

So in a very odd sort of way, today turned out to be a really good day. Today Cory's cousin Alicia was married. It was a lot of fun to see them so happy! And He has a wonderful family, I love getting together with them. Each time I see them I feel more and more accepted by them. Since I'm so shy and can be really insecure, that's something I need. But more importantly today, I grew up. I realized a flaw of mine that was keeping me from getting to know someone really cool. Cory's brother Dustin is dating a really cute girl named Lacie. Now, those of you who know me know that I have a hard time opening up to people. And when I'm around new people, I'm shy. Well that was causing a little void between us. She thought I didn't like her, and I was too scared to make friends because I of course instantly assumed she wouldn't like me - like I do with most people. I know, I have issues. I'm working on them. Anyway, today was a really hard day for her. Seeing her in tears today broke my heart and I of course jumped in to try and help. And although she had a lousy day, it was kind of a blessing in disguise because she and I were able to open up and sort of bond today. I'm pretty happy because I didn't know how long it would take for me to get close to someone on Cory's side. The ice is broken now and we are both aware that we like the other. And I got a big kick in the face that I really need to work on my shyness because it comes accross as snotty in most cases. Overall, today was a really great day and I look forward to getting to know Lacie better and being friends and solving my strange emotional issues. Wish me luck!!


Wow... Marriage!

I've had a lot of things on my mind as our marriage comes closer and closer. I was never in a rush to get married. I knew it was a huge decision and frankly, I wanted to live the single life for a while. And I'm glad I did. But the time has come for me to grow up and make that committment. I have never been so excited for anything my entire life. I wish words could describe this whole experience but I cant ever seem to find any that do it justice. It's amazing. I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven that I have Cory. I've been through some abusive and controlling relationships. I was very reluctant to trust Cory when I first met him because I had been so deeply scarred. But he is my own personal angel. This man has treated me like a queen and he loves me with all his heart. There are days where I feel like he deserves so much better than me - and I know he feels the same way at times too. I just cant express the happiness he has brought into my life. I hope to always be able to return the favor to him. I am ready and anxious to spend eternity with him. He is taking me to the temple and we are going to kneel accross the altar from each other and covenant ourselves to one another. I don't think there could be anything better in this life. The day is fast approaching and I can hardly contain myself! I do know that life after the honeymoon wont always be sunshine and flowers. I know life will still have it's hard times. But good or bad, I cant wait to share every experience with him. I love him with all my soul.

Its a Jeep Thing

One of the first things that made me fall in love with Cory was that he loved jeeping as much as my family and I did. It occurred to me years ago that whoever I married was going to have love it because we do it - a lot. And why shouldn't we? There's just something about it that just drives me. I love red rock and I love warm weather. But nothing can beat climbing into the drivers seat of raw power and maneuvering over obstacles and coming out successful. And then going back down and doing it all again. I love it.